That's right, it's sodding Fearne Cotton being jammed down your throat every day and night on TV, goading you closer to suicide with her big stupid voice and ridiculous clothes. Fearne Cotton is easily the worst thing about living in the UK.
But guess what? Fearne Cotton isn't going to live here any more! She's got a deal to host a primetime NBC show in America, so she'll go and live there instead. This is how Tina Turner must have felt when Ike died.
American TV producers know that nothing goes down with audiences as well as a vaguely annoyed British person. Simon Cowell's done well there, as have Anne Robinson, Gordon Ramsay and – bewilderingly – Piers Morgan. But maybe NBC misread the memo recently, because when it was chosing the host of new show The Guinness Book Of World Records – Live!, it didn't stump for a vaguely annoyed British person. It went with a vaguely annoying British person.
OK, not vaguely annoying. So annoying that just the thought of her makes us want to cry blood. It's Fearne Cotton.
Somehow – we think because she's young and looks like she knows how to send a text message – Fearne Cotton has managed to become every producer's favourite youthy presenter. It's quite an accomplishment for Fearne, because someone who studiously fills their sentences glottal stops and shouts! Every! Word! Like! It's! More! important! Than! It! Actually! Is! as much as Fearne should really have never graduated from drama school.
But, hey, as The Sun reports, that's America's problem now:
The bubbly blonde, 25, has signed a big-money deal with NBC to host The Guinness Book Of World Records – Live!… Fearne’s two-hour Guinness Records special will feature a countdown of the craziest records ever held. The show will end with a live motorcycle stunt in which Clint Ewing, 27, will try to ride through the longest-ever tunnel of fire.
What? It's not a series? Fearne Cotton is only presenting a two-hour special? That's rubbish. But, hey, maybe it'll lead to more American work. Maybe Fearne Cotton will still go and live there eventually. Right?
Well maybe not. Look at Fearne Cotton's presenting track-record. She presented Top Of The Pops and it died. She presented Love Island and it died. She presented Holly & Fearne Go Dating and not a single person watched it. She helped to host the UK's Eurovision Song Contest qualifiers and Scooch won. The woman is the kiss of death, which probably isn't something that Clint Ewing wants to hear.
Stil, maybe two is hours is all America needs to realise that a tiny pretend-cockney gonk constantly shouting made-up words and pretending that she likes indie music even though the most leftfield record she's ever bought is clearly Lady In Red isn't for them. But at least they're taking Fearne Cotton off our hands for two hours. Thank you, America.
But if you ever come for Konnie Huq we'll cut you with a knife.