Quickly! What's the worst thing about living in the UK? Don't think, just say the first thing that comes into your head.
That's right, it's sodding Fearne Cotton being jammed down your throat every day and night on TV, goading you closer to suicide with her big stupid voice and ridiculous clothes. Fearne Cotton is easily the worst thing about living in the UK.
But guess what? Fearne Cotton isn't going to live here any more! She's got a deal to host a primetime NBC show in America, so she'll go and live there instead. This is how Tina Turner must have felt when Ike died.
American TV producers know that nothing goes down with audiences as well as a vaguely annoyed British person. Simon Cowell's done well there, as have Anne Robinson, Gordon Ramsay and – bewilderingly – Piers Morgan. But maybe NBC misread the memo recently, because when it was chosing the host of new show The Guinness Book Of World Records – Live!, it didn't stump for a vaguely annoyed British person. It went with a vaguely annoying British person.
OK, not vaguely annoying. So annoying that just the thought of her makes us want to cry blood. It's Fearne Cotton.
Somehow – we think because she's young and looks like she knows how to send a text message – Fearne Cotton has managed to become every producer's favourite youthy presenter. It's quite an accomplishment for Fearne, because someone who studiously fills their sentences glottal stops and shouts! Every! Word! Like! It's! More! important! Than! It! Actually! Is! as much as Fearne should really have never graduated from drama school.
But, hey, as The Sun reports, that's America's problem now:
The bubbly blonde, 25, has signed a big-money deal with NBC to host The Guinness Book Of World Records – Live!… Fearne’s two-hour Guinness Records special will feature a countdown of the craziest records ever held. The show will end with a live motorcycle stunt in which Clint Ewing, 27, will try to ride through the longest-ever tunnel of fire.
What? It's not a series? Fearne Cotton is only presenting a two-hour special? That's rubbish. But, hey, maybe it'll lead to more American work. Maybe Fearne Cotton will still go and live there eventually. Right?
Well maybe not. Look at Fearne Cotton's presenting track-record. She presented Top Of The Pops and it died. She presented Love Island and it died. She presented Holly & Fearne Go Dating and not a single person watched it. She helped to host the UK's Eurovision Song Contest qualifiers and Scooch won. The woman is the kiss of death, which probably isn't something that Clint Ewing wants to hear.
Stil, maybe two is hours is all America needs to realise that a tiny pretend-cockney gonk constantly shouting made-up words and pretending that she likes indie music even though the most leftfield record she's ever bought is clearly Lady In Red isn't for them. But at least they're taking Fearne Cotton off our hands for two hours. Thank you, America.
But if you ever come for Konnie Huq we'll cut you with a knife.
Read more:
Carmela says
i think you fancy fearne cotton
johnny says
Funniest thing ive read lately, your right shes like a party popper going off in your face, if america doesn’t work out for her, i think she should team up with robbie williams & ant n dec and they can all tour Butlins holiday camp as a package tour.
Alarmed says
Looking for a Hells Kitchen rerun on BBCAmerica, I passed by that garbage Guiness show. Whoever stamped her visa should be fired.
Paul James says
Fantastic news that Fearne Cotton is leaving British television (expect she’ll be back though, just like Jonathan Ross and Noel Edmunds disappeared from our screens… then it’s back with a vengeance).
How will the Americans ever understand her dreadful accent though? She’ll be givng us Brits a bad name.
Stuart Heritage says
I actually – out of a grim sense of professional obligation – watched some of her show on YouTube. For America, it seems that Fearne has decided to speak in a completely different voice, like a telephone operator from the 1950s… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiFyHKr_HxE
Jai says
This sensationalist crap that websites like yours spew out every day make me sick. You know what the worst thing is about living in the UK? Having half arsed creeps like you, writing for rubbish gossip websites under the pretext of “grown up news”, deriding and disparaging the works of people a lot more successful than your sorry self.
Please think about your life and where it’s taking you. Consider watching some real news. The sad thing about infotainment media outlets like yours is that they have no grounding for the claims they make – no empirical, anecdotal or even secondary evidence. Just a load of tripe written by whiny, immature bitches. Grow up.
I’m not in the slightest a Fearne Cotton fan, and I don’t deny that you’re a talented and witty writer, but I strongly advise you to dedicate your work to a worthier cause.
elvis says
I love fearne cotton…SHE IS BRILLIANT!
photo editor says
Fearne Cotton on American TV? Oh c’mon, they won’t understand her accent anyway:) Farewell Fearne, we’ll be missing you…well, some of us will :)