Notice how the sun’s not shining quite as brightly today? Notice how everyone looks considerably more miserable today?
It’s because Jedward were kicked off X Factor last night. And Lloyd wasn’t. Honestly, people are stupid. Anyway, last night’s X Factor was George Michael night and, by and large, it was a gigantic disappointment. We were looking forward to seeing Olly doze off behind the wheel of a Range Rover and Danyl masturbate furiously inside a public lavatory. Didn’t happen. Heartbroken.
Still, at least the X Factor recap is here to cheer us up…
Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd knows that he’s probably the weakest act left in this year’s X Factor, which is why he prefaced Saturday’s performance with the declaration that he was going to sing harder than he’s ever sung before. And that was demonstrated during his rendition of Faith. Or, as Lloyd sang it, Fuhhhhf. Because, you see, Lloyd’s idea of singing harder than ever before involves sounding like a weasel’s fart instead of a mouse’s fart. Honestly, it was awful – as weedy and disinterested as listening to an Open University audiotape of a middle-aged librarian flatly listing different types of dust. On the other hand, Lloyd decided to change the angle of his hair by about 15 degrees for Saturday’s X Factor – which is obviously a creative vault on a par with Dylan going electric – so no wonder he’s still safe. Christ.
Stacey Solomon – Having jettisoned the whole ‘moving around’ experiment for good, possibly on the basis that she moves with all the grace of a newborn giraffe trying to ice-skate after its first taste of alcohol, X Factor has decided to rebrand Stacey Solomon. She’s now ‘The Voice’. That’s not strictly accurate, because Stacey is technically ‘The Two Voices’ – the quite good singing voice and the speaking voice that makes her sound like Janet Street Porter in the middle of a debilitating panic attack. But still, on Saturday’s X Factor Stacey demonstrated her new title by singing I Can’t Make You Love Me in a way that made every note last just a little bit too long. And to her credit, Stacey gave a classic X Factor performance. Classic in the sense that it was boring, didn’t really go anywhere and made us turn over to idly watch a few seconds of a BBC2 documentary about German architecture in the middle, but whatever.
John And Edward – On Saturday’s X Factor, John And Edward performed a medley of I’m Your Man and Wham Rap, which was billed as their toughest performance yet. Which it obviously was, since it marked the first time that John And Edward had attempted a song that has actually got notes in it. And, despite performing most of it from the top of a dangerously unstable-looking scaffolding rig, John And Edward more or less pulled it off. However, when it was over Simon Cowell raised the issue of whether they were being asked to do too much, because their performance was essentially made up of two different songs and a high-energy dance routine. But we say tish to all that – we wanted them to be given even more! Next week we wanted to see John And Edward sing 14 different songs while reversing climate change, tap-dancing like Sammy Davis Jr and defusing a dirty bomb. With their arses. But that won’t happen now, will it Britain? You wankers.
Danyl Johnson – It was widely reported last week that Danyl Johnson had thrown a gigantic tantrum during X Factor rehearsals because he was being forced to sing a crap song. So what was he given as a replacement? That’s right, Careless Whisper. You’re a sick man, Simon Cowell. Anyway, this was a brave reinterpretation of Careless Whisper – not only was the famous saxophone introduction removed, but Danyl also decided to add a part in the middle that went “AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” Aside from that, it was typical Danyl Johnson performance – it was loud, cocky, performed in the style of a South Park Canadian and for the life of us we don’t understand why anybody liked it.
Olly Murs – Throughout X Factor, Olly Murs has only been given old-fashioned songs to sing. So, to mix things up, X Factor decided to make him sing something current on Saturday. You know, something contemporary and modern. You know, something to establish his credentials as a bleeding-edge performer for the 21st century. So they made him sing Fast Love. You know, the song from 13 and a half years ago that sounds identical to that song where Jimmy Nail shouts “She’s lying!” a lot. And, to be fair, it is a contemporary song – there’s a good chance that crappy local radio stations still play it on Friday nights to help pikeys gear up to binge-drink themselves into unconsciousness at horrible provincial nightclubs called things like Rusty’s. Still, Olly’s version of Fast Love allowed him a brief dance interlude, which might have been good if only Olly hadn’t used it as an excuse to shake a little nugget of poo from the bottom of his trouser legs. At least that’s what it looked like he was doing, anyway.
Joe McElderry – When Joe McElderry finished singing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me on Saturday’s X Factor, all the judges gave him a standing ovation. It was odd – at first we assumed that a fire alarm had gone off and the studio was being evacuated – because it certainly didn’t deserve a reaction that enthusiastic. It might have been similar to the original from a technical standpoint, but it was a horrible John Barrowman of a performance. All the notes were there, but there was nothing behind Joe’s eyes. Apart from teeth. That boy sure does have a lot of teeth. And he didn’t even shout “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John!” halfway through the song. That’s the best bit. And you can’t trust anyone who sings that song and doesn’t change the words of the chorus to “Don’t let your mum go down on me,” either. Stupid Joe. Stupid world.