God, it's been an exciting week, hasn't it? All that meth and all those Curly Wurlys you've been eating. Your excitement has literally burnt through your eyes so you can fully necessitate new levels of awesome and amazingness and degenerative myopia.
Now to top it all off, it's Boot Camp on the X Factor. It’s like all those wars and murders and hurricanes never really happened, when you think about it.
And hey! All that pesky retrograde amnesia we all happen to suffer from can be such a bother sometimes, can’t it? Thank the stars for ITV1, that they cater to our whims and remind us about what happened on every single X Factor episode (except for anything that could prove the continued existence of Kate Thornton) at the start of every new show. It's just ever so helpful, because nothing really solves a problem like Maria brain trauma like an X Factor double bill as we always say.
Oh double drat and darn it, we've only gone and forgotten again. God, if only there was an official hecklerspray guide on what happened on the past five weeks of X Factor 2011 to jog our waning, stupid brains!
And TALKING of official hecklerspray guides on what happened on the past five weeks of X Factor 2011?
HERE?S THE OFFICIAL HECKLERSPRAY GUIDE ON WHAT HAPPENED ON THE PAST FIVE WEEKS OF X FACTOR 2011!
Week One ? A man sung a song. He didn't get through because he was ugly and sad. ?We don't like ugly and sad men much anyway, so it was no bother, especially after years of putting up with Martine McCutcheon.
Week Two ? Someone didn't sing Adele. Sorry, we just can't take all these lies and depravity any more ? Someone did actually sing Adele. Sorry again.
Week Three ? The episode was a figurative emotional rollercoaster which took our emotions literally up and down, akin to that of being on an actual rollercoaster.
Week Four ? We ALL know what happened. Let us not talk about it again.
Week Five ? We were so inspired by what we learnt about music, that we went back in time, gave Mark Chapman a gun and a Kelly Rowland album, and let nature take its course.
Thank god that happened. That pretty much puts us up to date. As it stands, this Saturday?s show left us with the 187 Greatest Singers in The United Kingdom who were then put up against each other to see who could sing the most annoying Cee Lo Green cover, and then were to be whittled down to the 32 Greatest Singers in the United Kingdom instead.
And Tulisa Condomsduringtherenaissanceweremadeofintestinesandbladder uttered, without a trace of irony:
?Great isn't good enough, they have to be amazing.?
Yes. Tulisa says this despite the solid cold fact that in the N Dubz song ?Defeat You?, the lyrics clearly declare – “Yo, 2008! Or should I say GREAT?” which would imply that Tulisa has had no problems in the past associating with musicians who think things are great instead of amazing. Just saying.
“Two words. Car. Crash.”
Says Gary to?raucous cackles from Kelly Rowland. Nothing funny about car crashes if you ask us, guys. Pretty serious business, we think you’ll find.
The actual show bothered to kick in about forty minutes later, and we were greeted to a lovely selection of home truths from all the contestants that we already know are getting through to the live shows, due to the ITV1 editors being numbheads and us being utter sexy geniuses. Craig Colton talked of his fears of just wanting to ‘prove to the world that I can sing’, like we were all in major dispute about the matter for several years prior to even knowing who the hell this guy was. “This is a lot scarier than what I faced in the army” another contestant confessed. Ha! Take that, honesty and logic!
Firstly, the judges used the set of Logan’s Run to eliminate some of the contestants that they put through in the first round when they were completely caked off their faces on Kelly’s home-made brownies presumably, whilst we were forced to watch all the potential X Factor contestants dance at a ‘party’ having a ‘good time’. God, to be a fly on the wall. Not at an X Factor contestant party, obviously that’d be awful. Just a general fly on a wall. One of those Jeff Goldblumm-y ones. That’d be cool.
After making their certifiably REALLY TOUGH DECISIONS, the judges made all the contestants stand in a field and shooed away the ones that they didn’t like. Then they cry. Fortunately, the supreme loveliness of the field washes away any doubt we may or may not have had about the cruelty of the music industry.
Literally twenty minutes into the programme, some smart-ass has the absolutely amazing idea to let the remaining contestants actually sing on a TV show about singing. Well, kind of. Queue shedloads of CandiStatonbutnotreally covers of ‘You Got the Love’, which is our favourite song in the entire world to be strangled to.
The most amazing part of the section was the bit where the contestants actually got genuinely upset at one another because they wanted to sing a particular portion of Florence Welch’s improvised whale moan. It’s really terrible and awful, obviously. Can’t Bob Geldof sort this out or something?
Lots and LOTS and LOTS of people continued to sing You Got the Love to continuing levels of mass suicide, including a man called Max Vickers who had the audacity to wear a jumper and attempt to get away with it, sing like a Warner Brother’s cartoon and, to top it off, dare to just walk around calling himself Max Vickers and expect us all to just deal with that. Absolutely no respect, whatsoever.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, along camesa joker called ‘Eskimo Smile’. Christ on various means of stinking transport! That’s really going to be hard to get over. Thank god we are expressively professional about all matters such as this all the time. Sorry. Really. We will never ever mention the name Eskimo Smile ever again. Never again will the worlds Eskimo Smile escape from our lips. RIP hecklerspray talking about how Eskimo Smile is called Eskimo Smile. Eskimo. Smi-yul.
Elsewhere, Janet Devlin tragically did not suffer any degree of laryngitis and returned to the stage to sing a song about ‘hearts not breaking even’ which makes no sense, Janet. A number of things are problematic about a song which discusses ‘hearts not breaking even’, but if there is any particular way to make it sound as momentously and categorically more hideous than it already does, it’s by singing said song with a head band stapled to your forehead.
Alright, credit where it’s due – maybe Janet just really, really likes Rambo. But she doesn’t, because she watches Juno whilst liking ‘Juno’ on Facebook, thinking about how great Juno is. What an endearing little shiteseagull. ?She was then rather annoyingly followed up by a guy called Lemuel Knights, which is just exhausting. Lemuel Knights… Just stop, please. Just stop being called Lemuel Knights for FIVE MINUTES. Lemuel Knights… Really.?Was that even recommissioned by Channel 4, anyway?
From this point on in the show, things began to progressively dip from ‘amazing’ to ‘great’, just like we all feared. Because obviously from there, it’s just a slippery slope from ‘good’, to ‘okay’ to ‘STOP SINGING YOU LOOK LIKE CANCER.’
Nothing like Johnny Robinson to waltz on in and provide us with the latter in a?menagerie?of ways – most specifically with his version of Firework. A version of Firework that was so utterly terrifying, we will take it to the grave. Actually, come to think of it, we will definitely not take Johnny Robinson’s interpretation of a Katy Perry song with us to the grave, because we want to be cool sexy ghosts.
… Moving swiftly on, our absolute favourite woman in the universe (who has auditioned for X Factor) was up next in the shape of ‘Goldie’. You remember Goldie from the audition stages of course vomiting profusely into a bag before raping oxygen rapidly over and over until someone told her she could go through to the next round out of sheer exhaustion. This time, Goldie did not?disappoint, and thrusted her raw, confused body with such purpose and devotion to a Born This Way backing track that we genuinely believe she has the potential to be one of God’s Chosen Flesh Peddlers.?Hallelujah! Sincerest Man to Ever Come From a Non Descript District of the North West Gary Barlow pretends to look sincere as Goldie throws bits of her labia all over her face. No, not metaphorically. Don’t be stupid. Louis pretends not to look liberated and goes for a mortally offended facial expression instead, just to cover his tracks.
The rest of the show can be summed up with these closing pieces of information.
*The woman with the stupid eyebrows no longer has stupid eyebrows. She now has a stupid turban as well.
*More than one person can sing the song You Got the Love with all the exact same flecks and nuances as Florence Welch.
*Nobody bothered to mention to one woman the fact that she had melted corpses soaked in Ribena in her hair when she categorically definitely did have melted corpses soaked in Ribena in her hair.
*Joe Cox has LOW SELF ESTEEM, probably because of his really weird face. Fancy a snuggle?
*NotAdele Jade McNotAdele or whatever her name is, is going to be all over our faces and souls for the next couple of months, so get all your sexy sex-cells out of your system now before she saps the love and natural lubricant out of every single one of us.
*Lots of people were made to go home and they all cried. Coincedently, lots of people wear fingerless studded gloves. By further coincedence, lots of people are idiots. Cheers for that one, ‘fate’.
In part two, the whittled down contestants will be further whittled down until they are merely bloody stumps of human flesh who had the privilege of talking to Gary Barlow once. See you then, if you can handle it. (You totally can't.)
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