X Factor Returns On Saturday, Abandon All Hope Now

090817_p_glamsimonJust like Christmas, Easter, St George’s Day and the mourning of our office hamster, X Factor has made its mark and become a regular calendar fixture.

Entering series number six, the programme will once again whittle down a select few hopefuls from hundreds of thousands and give them the belief they’ll win an elusive record deal.

And for the rejects? Well for a good five weeks ITV can boost its audience share by editing together programmes that contain utterly shoddy performers. Will there be tears? Burly council estate dads threatening the judges when their tubby daughter is rejected? Quite likely yes, but will there be Japanese monkeys wheeled in to work with the chosen few in bootcamp? We don’t really know, which is why we present our predictions for X Factor 2009.

It would be brilliant if X Factor could be tied up in one neat little package that lasted about a month. Sadly this isn’t going to happen and quite likely, the show will be dragged kicking and screaming into December. By then the contestants will have completed their ‘country & western’, ‘traditional North Korean spoken word’ and ‘90’s acid house’ theme week performances.

Based on five previous series of X Factor, knowing the judges and the way people react to the show, we will know have a stab at guessing what’s going to happen. Don’t go down the betting shop at once now; they’ll assume you’ll have insider information.

• They’ll be a sob story. Every pissing year we are treated to a range of tales that are designed to soften us up and make the judges cut them some slack. From “My dog Brian just got ran over in the car park” to “If I don’t win I won’t be allowed back in my flat” they’ve all been used before. Throw in some soft music and slow motion and you’re there.

• After escaping the sinking ship that is Big Brother, Dermot O’Leary will attempt to build tension and fail miserably. During the audition stages, he’ll try not to laugh at people who have no chance of winning and be used as a human cushion from crushed rejects.

Simon Cowell will say “you’re the best thing I’ve ever heard.” Amazingly, he said this in series one, two, three, four and five. He also said it on the sly in American Idol. But we’ll forgive him. The main is so rich he can probably ejaculate money. No doubt he’ll make crap put-down comments to rivals and be a total arse as usual, too.

• Aww it’s Cheryl Cole. Nearly everyone in the world loves her. Before Cheryl, there was Sharon Osbourne. Thankfully this replacement worked as now we can look at pretty Cheryl all day. Shame she is married to a bellend footballer. Honest, we’d like to just be in her company and tell her how ace she is. Erm… oh yeah, and she’ll quite likely have the winning act.

Louis Walsh will continue to have old man moments. By this, we mean he’ll forget where he is and get upset easily when someone slags him off. Louis will also mention he has something to do with Westlife approximately four billion times during each episode.

• Urghh, it’s whiney Dannii Minogue. Why can’t the bosses trade her in for a better model who’d be prettier, less complaining and more charismatic than a cloth? Oh wait, they can! Please get her sister Kylie in. As per normal, she cling on to the show until The Daily Star launch a campaign to get her out so she can go back to releasing crap dance records,

• Guest performers! Rumour is rife that Madonna is going to make an appearance on the show. However, a hidden rule means that the loser on the night gets to be abducted by Madge and join her other African playthings. Michael Jackson was meant to be visiting too, but probably not in Thriller form now.

• It’ll be full of morons. From pensioners nearing death to the obese making music from their gut, we’ll see them all. 95% of people who go to audition sing in front of eleven people at crap karaoke bars and assume a limp applause means they’re mega!

• At the end of it all, we won’t remember what the winner will do. So far, only Leona Lewis has conquered the charts in the UK and USA. Last year’s winner Alexandra Burke has gone quiet and previous winner Leon Jackson has been abandoned by record company bosses. Now you can buy his tears in 500ml bottles for £4 in certain branches of Aldi.

Phew, and that seems to be about it really. Don’t bloody get us started on Strictly Come Dancing, that’s another kettle of onions altogether. The BBC’s move to make Alesha Dixon their version of Cheryl Cole will quite likely go wrong.

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