So that’s it. X Factor 2009 is finally over. And in Joe McElderry, we have found a worthy winner. Well, a winner.
Well, a winner by default. In truth, nobody was particularly crazy about Joe McElderry, but at least he’ll now get to realise his dream of always being known for singing a genuinely awful Miley Cyrus ballad, so that’s something. Remember the name Joe McElderry – not because he’s destined to become a megastar, but because it’s bound to eventually be the answer to the pub quiz question ‘What was the name of that funny-looking boy who won X Factor in 2009 and then almost immediately got dropped by his record label?’
Still, we’ve just come out of a gargantuan X Factor weekend, so let’s pick over the bones, shall we?
Now, you might notice that this recap is fairly light on last night’s X Factor. This isn’t because we didn’t watch it, but because somewhere between that George Michael song about Jesus watching TV and Angela Lansbury performing Drive My Car, we lost the will to live. In summary, though, Olly was rubbish, Joe was rubbish, Alexandra Burke and JLS and Leona Lewis were rubbish, there was an advert for half price pork chops and then Joe McElderry won. Happy now? Good.
Stacey Solomon – What was it that made the public vote Stacey out of X Factor first this weekend? It certainly wasn’t her rendition of What A Wonderful World, because that was effortless and charming and – even though Stacey did her best to turn it into a shouting competition with herself in the final third – fairly understated. She even performed most of it on a stool, possibly because Simon Cowell has an aneurysm every time she attempts a dance routine. It was a fail-safe crowd-pleaser, and it largely worked.
And it couldn’t have been Stacey’s performance of Who Wants To Live Forever, because that was just as thoroughly tedious as it was during X Factor‘s Queen night, and she seemed to do alright then. So what does that leave?
Oh yes, Stacey’s duet of Feeling Good with Michael Buble. On the surface, it looked like Stacey had aced this, too – she managed to comprehensively out-perform Buble, who was dressed like a car thief on the way to court – but it had its lesser moments. Although she looked amazing, and the singing parts were top notch, the mood of the song was shattered somewhat when she broke off in the middle to shout “Laydeez ung jenklemon, lemmee untradooosh MYCAW BOOBLAY!” We were genuinely sorry to see you leave X Factor, Stacey Solomon – especially since you appeared to be transforming into an Afghan hound so quickly that the video to your first single would have almost certainly featured you catching frisbees in your mouth and drinking out of the toilet.
Olly Murs – Olly Murs knows what works for him. The grinning. The dancing. The face so huge that it constantly seems on the brink of shearing away from the rest of his head and crashing to the floor like an impressive jazz-funk rock slide. And we got a cavalcade of that from him on Saturday’s X Factor. That was typified by his last performance of the night – a re-run of Fool In Love that was exactly the same as it was last time he performed it. Not only did we get to see him dance like he had 30 electric eels inserted into his anal cavity, but he also put his shiny tight penis trousers on again. But by that point it was too little too late, so to speak.
True, Olly did manage to out-perform Robbie Williams during his Angels duet, but that’s only because a) Robbie fluffed his lines abominably at the start of the song, and b) the whole thing seemed like it was from the early stages of Britain’s Next Top Unbearable Pissed-Up Stag Night Karaoke Star rather than the final of X Factor. Still, at least we can classify the performance as a success, solely on the basis that Olly and Robbie didn’t tongue-kiss at the end. It was a close-run thing, but somehow they avoided it.
And that leaves us to deal with Olly’s opening song – a run-through of his first ever audition song, Stevie Wonder‘s timeless hit Superstition. Or, as Olly still seems to think its called, Surpistishah. That just about says it all, really.
Joe McElderry – For someone who went into the X Factor final as red-hot favourite, Toothy Joe made some peculiar choices on Saturday. His last song, chosen by Cheryl Cole as his best song of the series, was a version of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word that sounded like what carbon monoxide poisoning probably feels like. It started off dreary and then, just as it looked like it was starting to get going, it ended.
And Joe’s opening number – a version of Dance With My Father Again – was utterly wayward. We couldn’t decide if he’d chosen to sing it in the style of Westlife, or in the style of the fictional musical Grieve! starring Su Pollard and H From Steps. Either way, it didn’t seem like an especially good advert for what we could expect from Joe’s post X Factor solo career.
However, we will admit that Joe redeemed himself slightly with his duet of Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me with George Michael. Admittedly that’s only because George Michael waddled on looking like either late-period Steve Wright or the world’s fattest Bond villain, honked out a semi-interested verse and steadfastly refused to look at Joe except for the moments when he seemed so exhausted by the effort of singing that he had to physically prop himself up on Joe’s shoulder for support. But it still counts as a victory, right? Right? Well done Leon Jac… we mean Joe McElderry. Well done.
Same time next year?
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
shooty* says
Ali got a 50 on Strictly come dancing, by the way, but still went out.
If X factor has now finished, does that mean Britain’s Got talent starts again next week?
Jo says
Stuart I don’t often agree with your writing, but you must have been on a roll when writing the above. Hilarious, I laughed out loud!
Shooty – thought that was a terrible decision on the part of the Great British Public. Sorry, can’t answer your question bout BGT.
Ada says
Man, that was funny. Thanks for the laughs. I’m one of George Michael’s biggest fans, but yeah, that description was absolutely hilarious. Bond villain, tee hee.
Problem was that George probably feels -rightly so- that he’s much too talented and famous to be singing with X-factor finalists. But he wanted the publicity, hence the ambivalence. And if he’d been as chummy with Joe as Robbie was with Olly the public probably would’ve hated that and accused him of seducing poor innocent Joe or something. So he really couldn’t win.
Sparkle says
Yeh I guess evryone was rubbish other than your princess stacey solomon, but jls weren’t bloody ‘rubbish’, next time you get your ears checked out before you write a complain about them!
Phil says
which member of JLS are you? are you the one with the abs?
Richard Steel says
To dismiss everyone as rubbish, even Alexandra Burke, JLS and Leona Lewis is just wide of the mark to put it mildly. If Olly and Joe were that bad, why did millions of people tune in to watch them? And no mention of Macca? Does that mean that by default you were impressed with him on Sunday night? There is no lyric in George Michael’s December song that talks about Jesus watching TV either, but clearly you do so if you didn’t like the X Factor why didn’t you tune in to something else?
Michael says
Your article was indeed funny and I suspect you saying Alexandra and co were rubbish was part of the humour. I only watched it because of Leona and Alexandra anyway. It did highlight how poor the 2009 contestants for X Factor were when the old crew came back and showed them how to perform. Joe is a lovely looking guy but not sure if he is ready for the fame yet!
fran says
How can you say Joe Mcelderry was not loved? Im sorry, but you clearly have not got the right facts. I mean come on, he was the best singer, + how did he win if he wasnt popular, i dont think you are clear of how the xfactor works. The public vote for who they want to win, and didnt the public vote for Joe Mcelderry, YES that is how he won!
SO stop critisizing him ,he’s amazing, and although i’d agree with you about Miley Cyrus, he pulled the climb off really well, so shhuu’p!
fran says
YEAH!
agreed!!