So that’s the X Factor final sorted – Danyl Johnson has gone, leaving Olly, Joe and Stacey to duke it out next week.
But, hey, at least Danyl Johnson left X Factor on Michael Jackson night. Why Michael Jackson night? Well, our guess is that Simon Cowell recently watched 2012 and realised that if he could get enough singers to spin in their graves, he’d form a kind of elaborate gyroscope effect and stop the Earth’s poles from shifting like they did in the film. He does love the environment, that Simon Cowell.
But anyway, what you’re after is an X Factor recap. Here you go, then…
Olly Murs – Perhaps Olly is one of those performers who you need to see live to appreciate. That’d certainly make sense – the X Factor audience chants his name every week, but on TV he just looks like a baby deer skidding around in a pile of dogmuck. Neither of his performances on Saturday’s X Factor were really much cop – he started with an underwhelming wedding reception version of Can You Feel It that was studded with weird cries of “Huh!” and “Hah!” and “Hey!” and “Hwaugh!” as if he was trying to dislodge a troublesome pube from his throat. Then came his version of Stevie Wonder‘s version of We Can Work It Out by The Beatles. In retrospect, that was a completely inevitable choice – not only did it give Olly the chance to indulge in more of his sub-Jamiroquai yelping, but it also had a nice instrumental bit in the middle that allowed him to jerk around like he’d just been infected with the weaponised nerve pathogen that almost did Jack Bauer in at the end of the last season of 24. Plus, it looks like Olly’s starting to model his hair on Simon Cowell. That alone should be reason enough to dislike him.
Joe McElderry – Toothy Joe is probably the favourite to win X Factor at this point. Which would be good if X Factor was a competition to find a new understudy for a touring version of Godspell, but it isn’t. It’s a competition to find a popstar, which Joe most assuredly isn’t. Popstars sing songs that make girls scream with unbridled lust – Joe, on the other hand, sings songs that might make some housewives buy a copy of his album in Asda so long as they didn’t have to go out of their way to get it. Joe’s first X Factor song was She’s Out Of My Life, in which Joe either emoted harder than he’d ever emoted before, or was stricken by a sudden pang of extreme constipation. It’s hard to tell which. Toothy Joe then followed it up with another drippy musical-style ballad, possibly called Open Arms, that was as sickly sweet as it was utterly tedious. But it doesn’t matter, because Joe’s probably going to win X Factor next week. And that’s good, because this country desperately needs another Daniel O’Donnell, doesn’t it?
Stacey Solomon – You can tell that the pressure of X Factor was getting to Stacey on Saturday, because she’d clearly forgotten to put her trousers on for her performance of The Way You Make Me Feel, the silly moo. It was a weird performance for reasons other than that, though – still determined to prove that irrelevant month-old debate about whether she can dance or not, Stacey took to the stage dressed in loads of men in arseless chaps and wobbled around on top of some chairs for a bit. Most disconcerting. However, for Stacey’s second song Somewhere, we got The Voice back. You may remember that Rhydian performed Somewhere in the X Factor semi-finals a few years ago, but this was different. Rhydian didn’t sing it dressed in a ratty net curtain like Stacey did. Rhydian didn’t scream the final note as if he’d just been booted in the ovaries like Stacey did. And Rhydian didn’t go “Oooh, wharramylike?” in a silly voice immediately afterwards like Stacey did. Still, it was good if you like that sort of thing. In other words, it was good if you’re an idiot.
Danyl Johnson – So Danyl is largely disliked for his giant ego and the beginning of what appears to be an uncontrollable Messiah complex, so obviously Simon Cowell wanted to tone down that aspect of his personality to increase his chances of winning X Factor. Not so – if anything, he was encouraging it. After last week’s jaw-dropping version of Your Song, complete with angelic choirs and heavenly shafts of light, Danyl Johnson managed to somehow go even further on Saturday. His version of Man In The Mirror was backed by an endless, over-sincere montage of burning trees and deforestation and, confusingly, a polar bear on an iceberg. Following that travesty, Danyl did I Have Nothing, which was a textbook Danyl Johnson performance – it was overdone, it was loud, it seemed like it would never end and it was far too pleased with itself. Ugh. Again, that’s ugh. Danyl clearly wanted to be Jesus, but nobody had the chance to vote Jesus off before he became famous. Danyl didn’t have that luxury, did he?
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Maggie says
Shame you forgot to mention Simon’s prompting Danyl to come clean about his battle with testicular cancer to win the sympathy vote. Which didn’t work, of course, but was ideal material for an article of this style.
I like x factor, but I love hecklerspray. Go on making me laugh!
lucieSucks says
vying for sympathy vote or not, it’s truth. Give the guy a break. All his performances were top class. He’s been given the stick by all the judges since in 1st live show- when each of them wanted him in their category at the 1st audition. obviously she (namely Cheryl) knows that he is the biggest threat for Joe. Well, she got her way & she knows she’ll win in that- cos she knows how to get round to the public. She was the main influence on all the bad, untrue press about Danyl. You sow what u reap. And I believe her time will come. U can laugh all u want now, and so will u reap what u sow- for laughing at a teacher who genuinely wanted to make a success in the contest as an exemplar and inspiration to his students. Shame on you!
lucieSucks says
i forgot to add- heckler spray- what a livelihood u hv. sad.
Dan says
Yes, writing for, amongst others, the Guardian. A terrible way to make a living. Out of curiosity lucieSucks how is it you make your money, abbreviating four letter words?
Dan says
Roz says
Yeah cause that’s exactly what he did, walked out on a class…riiiight.
Stacey left her son, let’s all go on about how she’s a bad mother then if we’re gonna go down the “morals” route. Or Olly who left his (apparently) sick mother at home.
Yeah, I thought so. Danyl has been singing from before he went on X Factor and he’s a DANCE teacher, it’s not like he was a Maths or English teacher and just fucked them all off to pursue his dreams. If anything I can imagine the kids telling him to go on it because they think he’s talented (which he is).
So don’t give us that bullshit about how he’s a bad person, you can spin that on any contestant for one reason or another.
Roz says
She must be one of the students Danyl “abandoned”… amirite?
Dan says
No but i am starting to think you may be…. is it the School holidays or are you in I.T class? You’ve misspelt Marmite by the way.
Dan says
“Stacey left her son, let
Phil says
Can I ask – How is he setting a good example to children by spelling his own name wrong?
Faithfully,
Fylyp
GreatOrmondSt says
Can’t wait to see who actually wins this years X Factor, it really could go either way, just depends on who votes!
I came across this article on the net, http://www.childrenfirst.nhs.uk/teens/life/features/celebrity_health/joe.html
that made me just love Joe even more! Check it out!
Phil says
It couldn’t go either way, and it doesn’t matter in the slightest who votes.
Joe McShowtunes has already won, they just aren’t telling us for another week.
It was revealed a few weeks ago when he was inexplicably front & centre for the whole performance of the x-factor charidee single.
fix.
Stuart’s description above of
“Joe … sings songs that might make some housewives buy a copy of his album in Asda so long as they didn
Singy says
Absolut disgraceful article – DANYL JOHNSON IS A LEGEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kazanne says
What a really horrible thing to say,Sympathy vote my backside, why would anyone vote for Dan because he had cancerous cells over 15 years ago.
People die of this, does anyone care about that, and the more that people in the spotlight can highlight the fact that people need to get checked out, not be embarrassed by it the better.
Look at people like Ronan Keating whose mother died of cancer, he is always out there promoting getting checked out but I guess he is promoting himself or cocky and arrogant as well, not the caring lovely person who would prefer to help save lives by getting it out there that checks save lives.
Many parents are not even aware that this cancer affects such young boys, they think it only attacks adults or the over 15s, it does not it affect many a young lad as well.
Would be had this been Joe or Olly would the reaction have been the same, as I really do not think it would, it would have been the total opposite, how wonderful he was to be able to speak of something highly personal and not for his own gain, but to reassure others out there.If this story was to gain votes it would have been leaked weeks ago.
anonis says
You probably think that you’re writting style is original.
——
I could not be more sorry for people like this amateur blogger.
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Get a life man.You should spend your remaining years trying to be positive, but that will be tough…
Don’t clutter the internet with this…
Polly says
Oh put a sock in it you Danyl haters.
Danyl is the Messiah, only Danyl could felate unicorns to produce rainbows of light.
Danyl to win X Factor!
KungxFu says
Gotta say I’m with Roz and lucieSucks on this. A bit of light-hearted piss-taking is what Hecklerspray is all about, which is why I find these articles hilarious despite being an x factor fan. Dan however, you’re taking it a bit far.
Stephanie says
Ugh, Polly… your comment just gave me more reason to dislike Danyl.
Elly says
Another HILARIOUS recap :D
This is so funny, everytime the recap is absolutely PERFECT.
It pretty much captures exactly what hundreds of people are thinking XD
Gahh, must stop reading these recaps, I think i’ll laugh my face off.
Which may be troublesome.
D:
x
lisa says
So, who do you think should win?
jomamart66 says
Misspelt? It is a matter of choice how one spells one’s name. Which of the following is correct? Is it Bryan or Brian? Evonne or Yvonne? Phillip or Fylyp? What a lot of balderdash about something that has nothing to do with singing ability!