Finally! After months and months of wading through X Factor auditions – basically exactly the same show every week – the X Factor live finals started on Saturday, and we had to say goodbye to The Unconventionals.
On Saturday’s X Factor, The Unconventionals arsed up their rendition of Dancing In The Street bigstyle. Not as badly as the version Mick Jagger and David Bowie did a few years back, mind, but it was still pretty shocking – the backing track was too loud to hear all that “boopy doopy doo” shit that’s been The Unconventionals’ bread and butter, and any harmonies were replaced with a horrible ‘everyone only sing one line’ tactic that they copied from the BBC Perfect Day advert. But then, The Unconventionals were never going to win X Factor; and that’s because the X Factor audience wouldn’t have been able to spell ‘unconventionals’ properly in a text-vote. Most of them are under the assumption that the word ‘think’ starts with an ‘f’, as far as we’ve been able to work out.
But now The Unconventionals are out of X Factor, who’s going to win the series? We’re about to start this week’s X Factor betting odds instalments, and we’re starting from the bottom up. That means this lot are shagged.
Here are the X Factor betting odds for The MacDonald Brothers, Dionne Mitchell, 4Sure and Kerry McGregor, with betting odds from PaddyPower…
The MacDonald Brothers – The MacDonald are a pair of Scottish brothers, just like The Proclaimers. In fact, the MacDonald Brothers are exactly like The Proclaimers, only without the glasses or the ginger hair or the lumberjack shirts or the relentless terrifying glares. And, as we all know, without those things The Proclaimers would consist only of vapour. And that’s more or less what The MacDonald Brother are – they dedicated their X Factor performance of Three Times A Lady to their Mum who, incidentally, was the only person in the country who wasn’t plunged into a deep narcoleptic coma by their dismal singing. Current X Factor betting odds – 40/1
Dionne Mitchell – Before Dionne Mitchell started to sing on Saturday’s X Factor, she was mostly known as the cackling, sobbing, shrieking woman who’d saturate Sharon Osbourne with tears at every single opportunity she’d get. However, her X Factor performance of I’m Gonna Make You Love Me was a revelation – not only does Dionne Mitchell have a rich, warm voice packed with soul, she also had the guts to do the song’s spoken-word interlude. We’d even go so far as to say that Dionne Mitchell gave the best performance of the night. However, the instant it was over Dionne opened her mouth and we were all reminded what a pikey she is, and she was almost kicked off the show for it. Funny that. Current X Factor betting odds – 25/1
4Sure – If you made a factory that did nothing but pump out boybands, chances are the end product would look and sound exactly like 4Sure. On Saturday’s X Factor 4Sure sang What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted in the same sort of way that four unblinking machines would sing What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted. There were harmonies, there were minor outbreaks of sub-Usher collar-poppin’, there was even a bit of fist-pumping here and there. 4Sure were slick, in a ‘seen it all a billion times before’ kinda way. What’s more, if 4Sure wins X Factor we won’t just eat our hat, we’ll eat everyone from Hatfield. Current X Factor betting odds – 20/1
Kerry McGregor – Despite Sharon Osbourne’s insistence that Kerry McGregor is in the X Factor finals because she’s a decent singer and not because her being in a wheelchair will bring in the sympathy votes, Kerry’s X Factor VT clips seemed to show an awful lot of her looking all defiant and inspirational in her garden. As it turns out, Kerry gave one of the more interesting X Factor performances of the night – a sort of loungey, exotica-influenced version of You Are The Sunshine Of My Life. Kerry McGregor has a lovely voice, but it was all a bit dull and Simon Cowell said that Kerry needs to challenge herself next week. You can make up your own ‘staircase’ jokes here, you sick bastards. Current X Factor betting odds – 12/1
Tomorrow – the X Factor betting odds for Robert Allen, Eton Road, Nikitta Angus and Raymond Quinn. Don’t forget to check out Paddypower.com for the full list of X Factor betting odds, either!
[story by Stuart Heritage]