X-Factor’s Matt Cardle In Human Atrocity Hilarity!

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Odious slit-eyed dolt Matt Cardle has decided to further distance himself from the leagues of likeability this week by joining the ranks of Charlie Sheen, Lee Ryan, David Shayler et al by making dubious comments regarding the circumstances surrounding 9/11.

Whilst dodging his destined career as a Wetherspoons deputy-manager, the unflattering-hat enthusiast has stated that:

“The whole 9/11 thing… something’s not quite right there.”

Reports are unclear, but we understand the relatives of the 2,998 people who died as a result of the attacks are framing pictures of Matt ‘bloody’ Cardle as we speak, delighted as they are to have a small-town stubbly talent-show-nobody cast doubt upon the circumstances of the appalling death of their beloved kinfolk.

The entirely fictitious Mrs.Houndslow of Wisconsin, whose son Jack perished in a cloud of dusty red bone and flesh in the bowels of the South Tower is quoted as saying, in a completely imaginary interview with us:

“Thank God and Jesus that the United Kingdom’s X-Factor winner of whatever year it was Matthew Cardle and his hat/cap are on the case. NOW we may finally get some answers. Other than the current answers we have that make perfect sense.”

Matthew “Matt” Cardle’s “something’s not quite right” allegation may yet see the FBI re-opening their investigation, and also lead to him suffering several disingenuous interviews with Jon Ronson.

Mis-hearing the news that he was “in the X-Factor” for “in the X-files” the human embodiment of the word ‘smug’ Cardle further gifted the world by stating:

“It’s just not what they say it is. Other conspiracies might be true and the one I believe might also be bulls**t. But all I do know is what they’re saying is bulls**t.

“From the things I’ve seen… I don’t care what anyone says. To not question it is silly, I think.”

The alleged singer-songwriter, unaware of the fact that he had just broken all the rules not only of grammar but of logic and of the English language in general, seemed blissfully unaware that hundreds of still-mourning families may not welcome his admittedly insightful “bulls**t” hypothesis.

Reports that his silly bloody hats are lined with tin-foil are unconfirmed at time of publication.

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Comments

  1. Kris says

    I hope you realise that there are over 300 family members of people who died in 9/11 who also believe these “tinfoil” theories – now who’s being insulting? Let’s not also forget the thousands of others including engineers, architects, counter terrorism experts, senior military officials, pilots and aviation experts (among others) who question 9/11 too. You may think that questioning history is wrong or doubt a government would ever lie to you (lol!) but it’s not against the law to have a bloody opinion. Grow up.

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