When hecklerspray was younger and slightly less intelligent then we are now, we used to believe all sorts of crap that was spoon-fed to us by our peers.
Such bollocks included the tale of a mystical lady who would swap our decayed and rotten teeth for a few quid and the giant rabbit who'll leave us chocolate eggs on Easter day for no explained reasons. Another tall tale that all young kids believe is that the so called 'sport' of professional wrestling is real, and that watching a mix of fat sweaty blokes and manly-looking women pummelling the crap out of each other is 100% reality. Some make a career out of fooling people – and on Monday one of the top con artists, Chris Benoit, was found dead at his home alongside his wife and child.
If we’re being honest, most wrestlers aren’t that hard. Yes, they could probably tear apart the phone book with their bare hands, but they can’t beat the World Wildlife Fund in a Triple Tag Team Handicap Hell In A Cell No Holds Barred Ring On Fire match, can they? Well maybe the last bit of that sentence was false, but a high-profile court case at the start of the millennium saw a gang of pandas and other wildlife successfully force the World Wrestling Federation to change its name to the World Wrestling Entertainment.
In your youth, the thought of watching men prance around in tight lycra pants was weirdly deemed OK. Parents could safely plonk their tots in front of the TV and leave them to feast in amazement as Hulk Hogan repeatedly smashed the Ultimate Warrior with chairs, bits of wood, metal bars and any other indestructible object. Yes, the acting was bad and certain camera angles showed the so-called 'punches' not connecting with their intended target. But we laughed and bought the T-shirt, lunchbox and the polystyrene belt.
But in recent years, the format of WWE was going downhill and ridiculous storylines took away the true meaning of the sport – showing rip-muscled blokes do poncey jumps and athletic numbers around the ring before going for the win. Just the other week, the apparent owner of the WWE was supposedly blown up in his limo. We can assume he was going to his car to count up all the money he made by ripping off fans who paid through the teeth to see two small dots seemingly fight each other 40 feet away from the ring. Hecklerspray imagines wrestling to be not that hard or stressful, but something obviously took its toll on the late Chris Benoit to make him tragically take his own life and, in a selfish act, the lives of his wife and seven-year-old son. The Guardian reports:
Details of the deaths "are going to prove a little bizarre" when released to the public, Fayette County District Attorney Scott Ballard told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution… Authorities were investigating the deaths at a secluded Fayette County home as a murder-suicide and were not seeking any suspects. Investigators believe Benoit killed his wife, 43-year-old Nancy, and son Daniel during the weekend and then himself Monday. The bodies were found Monday afternoon in three separate rooms of the house, off a gravel road about two miles from the Whitewater Country Club.
Questions were asked about Chris Benoit when he failed to turn up to one of the millions of pay-per-view events that are frequently held. Personal reasons were cited for his no-show and later in to the evening, reports of bizarre text messages were received by various people that Benoit knew. Details of the probable crime and distressing events leading up to the fatalities are yet to be released. However, we soon expect them to be released and multiple cash-in DVDs of career highs of Benoit to be brought out so fans can constantly be reminded of a bloke that was always going to be buffer than them. A double-edged sword for the world of wrestling. The loss of one of their best athletes, but a money-spinner in the maker.
We’re off to don our tightest lycra trunks in respect.
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areten says
Utterly disrespectful. Well, its ok if u do not respect Benoit for the atrocities he did, but u are utterly disrespectful to his family, and all the pro wrestlers who put their bodies on the line to entertain. “Hecklerspray imagines wrestling to be not that hard or stressful” Are u sure? Maybe you should try taking a bump. and then take it 50 times a day x 365 days.
Gilbert Wham says
Wrestling is the profession of outsize closeted ballet dancers. As a friend of mine and his sister, nieces and nephews were killed by the childrens father in a similar crime, I feel deeply sorry for those left behind.Wrestling, however, is bollocks. Deeply closeted gay bollocks at that.
schinkel says
Wow. You ARE all grown up and intelligent now!
Jokes about wrestling not being real? Gosh, how innovative.
Even the most incompetent, news-skimming hacks are usually aware that WWE and the like haven’t presented themselves as genuine athletic contests
for nigh on 15 years.
This piece was pretty “EASY! EASY!” for you, wasn’t it?