The theme in a majority of Top 40 songs in 2012 was hearing something over and over again. It wasn’t a lackluster year by any means; Pitbull released his new album “Global Warming” in November, and that will provide enough good music to last civilization until the next fake apocalypse. However, 2012 was, for the most part, ridiculously boring. Not a lot of new ground was broken when it comes to the artists we all know and are sick of.
These are the four worst artists of 2012, so you can be reminded of what hate is.
At a certain point in every person’s life, you go through a Maroon 5 phase. The chronically love-stung Adam Levine and his shallow, ambiguous lyrics will appeal to all people at least once, before they come to their senses and go through their more complicated Mumford and Son’s phase. Maroon 5’s music in 2012 ran the gamut of catchy and stupid to stilted and stupid.
They started 2012 with “Payphone,” which featured Wiz Khalifa on some radio stations and this weird breathing exercise on others. It contains lyrics about lamenting about the loss of love, wondering where all the good stuff went, and then some stuff about how unlucky the girl is for dumping the singer. You can probably tell which part belonged to Khalifa, as a common theme in pop today is having a rap star throw in a guest verse that has fucking nothing to do with the rest of the song. Khalifa’s verse is bitter but ultimately positive and Levine’s verse has all the power of an erection made of mushed banana.
The next big single was “One More Night”, created simply because the 2012 music output hadn’t fulfilled the necessary quota of “Ooooh’s” in its lyrics and had to remedy this problem fast. “One More Night” deals with a man who can’t stop having sex with his ex, even though it’s becoming a really bad idea. This is an issue that most have in the digital age, where you can stay in contact with someone far after the date that it stops becoming healthy.
In the 1950’s, when you broke up with someone, you never talked to them again and only heard their names when your mother called you to tell you what part of them got caught in the factory’s machinery. Radio stations knew that “One More Night” would speak to millions, and so they repeated it over and over, until it literally spoke to everyone. At this point, if you haven’t heard “One More Night”, than it’s time for you to teach your husband some rhythm and also what “Oooh” looks like in sign language.
Their last single, “Daylight”, is a song about having to leave a girl in the morning, and has all the momentum of a fish playing basketball, using only itself as the court, ball and net. Teachers use “Daylight” as an example of what someone’ s first attempt at morse code will sound like. Dubstep fans hear “Daylight” and wonder who left the microphone next to the dying car battery. It’s a clumsy attempt at music and vice versa.
One of the reasons that many songs on this list are so unlikable is because they’re so exponentially overplayed. Top 40 stations take their tactics from elementary school fire drills in making sure that all the citizens in America have heard what the Top 8 at 8 are. It’s a situation of life and death when it comes to being aware of certain songs. I’ve heard “Call Me Maybe” more times this year than I have my own name. However, Carly Rae Jepsen is not the subject of this entry, despite her name being an actual, Mayan synonym for repetition. Taylor Swift, as indicated by the title “Taylor Swift,” is.
Taylor Swift had three singles this year off of her new album, “Red,” but only one has managed to ingrain itself in the head of everyone who didn’t have enough sense to see the musical bear and play dead. That song is “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, a tune so unlikable that cancer patients list it as the worst news they’ve ever gotten. The lyrics chronicle just how much a girl and a guy aren’t getting back together, but it’s so inefficient at even being a passable song that you start to root for the inattentive, argumentative ex-boyfriend.
Her other two singles were “I Knew You Were Trouble” and “Begin Again.” The latter of these is the lamest thing you’ll ever hear, as it’s every honest drunk text that you’ve ever sent too early in a relationship rolled into one three minute section of your life. The former, “I Knew You Were Trouble” is Taylor Swift doing what she does best: being sad about some dude. At this point, the only good relationship Taylor Swift has ever had she woke up from, and the only decent man she’s ever met goes to bed each night with her mother.
Flo Rida’s started off the year with a song carrying over from 2011, “Good Feeling”, which you might remember from everywhere, and if you don’t remember it, then I apologize for the mortal injury you sustained in 2010. “Good Feeling” is a song about just that, where Flo Rida raps about being the president on January 1st ( a prediction proved false, as I doubt Flo even had the initiative to get himself on the ballot) and how it would take a genius to understand him, (a prediction proved false whenever Flo releases a new track.)
The next song was “Wild Ones”, which had an insufferable chorus. Flo Rida’s verses were typical Rida: how great it was to be happy and in the club. The choruses were about saddling up a wild girl and beginning. I’m not trying to restrict women from their dreams of featuring on a Flo Rida song and talking about S&M, something I imagine every girl dreams of once they hit twenty-one and realize that they like sex when it’s just short of being peed on, but it was a bizarre addition to Flo’s usual spiel on the club, clubbing, fun, etc.
The third was “Whistle”, which is not about blowjobs in the same way that the Civil War wasn’t about seceding.
The last, “I Cry”, features Flo listing off various tragedies and disasters and his mournful response to each one. It’s a weird track, as Flo never comes across as particularly sympathetic, despite claiming that he cries just a little. “I Cry” is the equivalent of trying to deliver a eulogy while high-fiving everyone in the audience.
Chris Brown’s approval rating hovers somewhere between “BTK Killer” and “1%.” Asking a woman if she finds Chris Brown attractive is the most socially acceptable way to find out if someone has herpes. If you say Chris Brown’s name five times in a mirror, he’ll appear in the driver’s seat of your car. I will take any opportunity to diss Chris Brown that I can. Many bring up that making fun of him is no way to get him the help he needs, but at this point, the only thing Chris Brown responds to is bullying, which is incidentally the first thing that he lists on his OkCupid profile under “What I’m Doing With My Life.”
Chris had two hit songs this year: “Turn Up The Music” and “Don’t Wake Me Up.” The synopses of both songs can be found hidden in the titles, as they both have the emotional depth of a fart sound made with your arm pit. If you asked Chris Brown to explain what a metaphor was, he’d tell you that you didn’t know how to pronounce the number after “three.” “Turn Up The Music” at least has the advantage of having a decent beat, but “Don’t Wake Me Up” is so pedantic and boring that couches put it on when they’re too exhausted to give their partner a handjob.