God, why do you hate us so?
If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog.
We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles.
And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.
You remember Blink-182, right? They’re that band from a few years ago with the genuine, in yer face punk mentality three tits with tats.
On the scale of punk attitude – a scientific measure, which goes from the Sex Pistols and Ramones, through Green Day and right out to Ronan Keating – Blink-182 come in just below “Ambient Chillout Volume 14: Kittens Purring As They Are Stroked By A Little Girl“.
Back in 2005, anyone not being ravaged by the hormonal storm of adolescence was overjoyed by the news that Blink-182 had split up. There were street parties, free cake for all, and an international Day of Celebration was announced.
The last four years have been a beautiful time for music lovers, living free from the threat of sub-bubblegum-punk-pop-wank-rock with videos showing the craaazy Blink boys running naked through a city full of actors looking surprised. Though their naughty bits were blurred out: they may be wild punk anarcho-rockers but, y’know, their mums were going to see that.
Well, all good things must end. And apparently, shit things never do, they just keep going on and on despite literally the entire world begging them to stop. On Friday night, Blink-182 played live, and loved it so much they’ve decided to go on tour. With Weezer and Fall Out Boy as support.
We cannot conceive of a less appealing combination. If forced to choose, we would rather go see a show called ‘Yoko Ono Sings Ancient Polynesian Folksongs Accompanied By One Thousand Dental Drills And A Small Dog Being Kicked Around The Stage’.
Mark Hoppus, one of the hateful people responsible for making Blink-182’s music, released a heartfelt message of gratitude:
“Thanks to everyone who was there. Thanks to T-Mobile. And most of all, thanks to Travis and Tom.”
So there you go, Blink-182 fans. In the band’s mental listing of people who matter it’s THEM first obviously, then their corporate sponsors, then probably their sponsors’ employees, the employee’s families, the employees’ cats, a fella called Bob or Bill or Marcus they met once in a healthfood store he seemed like he’d be fun to have a drink with, then you lot.