Shawn Lindseth may well have enlisted the help of the Catholic church to try and wrestle complete control of hecklerspray from me at the start of the week, but he didn't count on the superb array of connections that I've built up in my short lifespan.

Thanks to me being on first-name terms with two of the biggest enemies of the Catholics – Madonna and the fibre optic wig that Tom Hanks wore in The Da Vinci Code – I was able to enlist a ramshackle army of old ladies in leotards and a variety of bad hairpieces to win the editorship of hecklerspray back once and for all. Or something. What the hell is all this about? Shawn did a smashing job guest-editing hecklerspray over the last three days, that's what, but now I – Stuart Heritage – am back. And what difference does that make to you? The word 'rumor' is going to be spelt with a 'u' in it again. And that's about it.