Those X-Men movies, they were OK – but it's blindingly obvious that they missed one vital ingredient.
And that's a mutant with the power to take any song you ever liked and ruin it by lazily babbling a lot of meaningless shit about tits over the top while waving a can of Pepsi Max around. But fear not – that'll all be changed with the new Wolverine prequel movie, because Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas has just signed up for a role.
Rumours that signing Will.i.am up for the Wolverine film is just a ploy to make people think that painting Frasier blue and casting him as a monster in X-Men 3 was a comparatively decent idea are still unconfirmed.
Unless you're a 14-year-old boy with enough hormones to floor a moose, chances are that your favourite of the X-Men is Wolverine. He's got it all – a bad attitude, a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and dirty great bits of metal that shoot out of his knuckles. So, with this in mind, it'd have to take something pretty special to talk you out of going to see a movie all about Wolverine, wouldn't it?
After all, these kids will go and watch any old crap if it's got laser beams and fighting and destruction in it. They even went to see X-Men 3, even though Brett Ratner directed it. Brett Ratner, for christ's sake. So the Wolverine movie will be a no-brainer box office success when it opens in May 2009, even if the producers end up casting someone so massively unsuitable that it takes three or four minutes of dumbfounded silence just to let the news sink in at all.
Which is just as well, because Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas has been cast as a see-though mutant in Wolverine. Reuters reports:
Black Eyed Peas singer Will.i.am will make his feature acting debut in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," the "X-Men" spinoff starring Hugh Jackman. Danny Huston, Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins also have joined the Fox project, and Ryan Reynolds is making a cameo. Gavin Hood ("Tsotsi") is directing. "Wolverine," set 17 years before the "X-Men" movies, traces the origins of the popular mutant superhero. Will.i.am, whose real name is William Adams, will play Wraith, a mutant with the power to turn himself translucent.
Hopefully Will.i.am's participation in the Wolverine movie won't just end with a minor role as someone who's invisible for most of the time – hopefully producers will see sense and let Will.i.am do the Wolverine theme tune too, Will Smith-style. It's bound to be brilliant, even if Will.i.am just takes a piece of music that everyone's already familiar with from a film or a TV advert, doesn't bother altering it at all, mumbles a load of obvious rhymes about it and then calls it Wolverine's Humps (Pepsi Max – Max Your Life). Which, let's face it, is exactly what he's bound to do.
Will.i.am's casting in the Wolverine movie helps to hide a bunch of other problems with the film, though, like the fact it'll be a prequel set 17 years before X-Men starring an actor who looks eight years older than he did in X-Men, and that if these X-Men Origins movies catch on, eventually we'll have to put up with one about Halle Berry. And that'll just be frighteningly dull.
However, let's not assume that Wolverine is beyond being saved just because Will.i.am is in it. Maybe if he sweet-talks the producers they'll find a role for his bandmate Fergie. And, let's be fair, there's not a movie in history that wouldn't have been improved by the addition of a mutant who can't stop wetting her knickers.
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mst3kster says
After learning of this news, Ill.i.am.
Nathanial Sheppard says
Thx Taylor!!!!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never knew that more ppl than me have felt the same way!!! That encourages me to keep trying to get to know that special someone in my life!