Wolverine Not Rubbish, Just Unfinished (Honest)
Right now the Wolverine crew are in Canada, probably either filming an explosion or a close-up of Hugh Jackman’s anguished face.
Or something. The truth is, we don’t know. But just because Wolverine is still filming weeks after the shoot was due to be completed, it doesn’t mean that the movie’s a sack of balls. Honest. Hugh Jackman wants everyone to know that it’s just unfinished.
Which, you know, is great for Hugh Jackman, but rubbish for us. We were hoping that it meant Wolverine star will.i.am would be recast with someone more convincing, like Dr Harold Shipman or some broccoli.
Hugh Jackman has got a lot riding on the new Wolverine movie. As well as starring in it and producing it, Hugh is well aware that he needs it to be a great big bloody hit. Because, sure, he’s the Oscars host and the sexiest man alive, but what with Australia tanking and Deception tanking and Flushed Away tanking and The Fountain tanking and Scoop tanking, all Hugh Jackman is running on at the moment is a winning smile and a slightly startling willingness to prance around in skintight golden trousers.
So Wolverine needs to be a hit. And we have to admit it’s certainly shaping up to be one – not least because the first Wolverine trailer was so full of eye-popping explosions that we’re pretty sure we can pin global warming solely on its shoulders.
However, just recently we started to get the hunch that Wolverine would be a big fat turd of a movie, thanks to reports that everyone was shipping up to Canada to do a load of reshoots. Why this was, nobody knew – it could have been that the implied post-Carnapian subtext of the movie was slightly drowned out by the lengthy prelude to the movie featuring nothing but Hugh Jackman reading On the Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason by Arthur Schopenhauer in its entirety from the top of a volcano, or it could have been because the story, direction, acting and effects were complete arsebiscuits from beginning to end. Nobody knew.
But it turns out that, in reality, nobody is reshooting Wolverine – they’re just finishing it. In reality, the Wolverine crew had always planned to reconvene in Canada now because of Hugh Jackman’s commitment to escort Nicole Kidman around the world on that weird Aborigine-offending press tour of hers. It’s true – Hugh Jackman even wrote an email to Ain’t It Cool to explain himself:
I wanted to reach out and let you know that due to scheduling conflicts with certain cast members and location/weather considerations, we had to wait until now to shoot a couple of scenes. Please rest assured that WOLVERINE will be badass and hopefully meet all of your expectations. I am stoked by the positive response to the teaser, which clearly reflects the tone and scope of the film. If you like that, we’ve got much more in store!
See? Nothing’s wrong with Wolverine at all. You have no reason to relax – it’s going to be as good as any fourth movie based around the same character that features one of the Black Eyed Peas as a principle castmember and a man whose special power involves throwing some playing cards really, really hard deserves to be. You lucky people.
Mr Heritage:
1. These “skintight golden trousers” made Hugh Jackman a big Broadway star whose musical earned more than $60 million at box-office. They also earned him a Tony and Emmy Award (plus an Emmy nomination) and if you mr Heritage think that such things are not important then I feel pity for you.
2. Australia certainly did not tank and despite the hate that some critics expressed towards Nicole Kidman and Baz Luhrmann creating bad publicity for the film, the movie still maintains a respectable performance overseas, earning more than $166 million
3. The Fountain was never a movie created to be a box-office hit. It was a masterpiece that didn’t find its audience or, as director Darren Aronofsky himself said: “Poeple went to The Fountain, expecting to see James Bond…”
4. The failure of Flushed Away is definetely not mr Jackman’s responsibility. People don’t go to animation-films for the stars that lend their voices to the heroes, so mentioning this specific movie to “prove” that Hugh Jackman’s career is full of flops is simply pointless (why didn’t you also mention Happy Feet with earnings up to $385 million?…)
5. Excuse me but how many Woody Allen movies turn out to be box-office hits?
6. As for Deception, ok, that was a true flop but every actor has the right to fail sometime in his/her career. How can you forget that mr Jackman was the star in The Prestige ($110 million), Van Helsing ($300 million, though many seem very easy to omit this when refering to the star’s resume) and of course the rest X-Men flicks (more than $1,2 billion)
My wonder? Why such an empathy towards mr Jackman?
As for that Wolverine film, whether it’s good or not, it is sure to be a great box-office hit that will propably make something like $500 million. Considering that it’s the first blockbuster movie of the summer and the success of the previous X-films, well, it’s just maths…
Anyone else think “Chris s.” is actually Hugh Jackmans psuedonym??
@JD: Definitely. The guy knows how to make lists, that’s for sure.
What is this, “two initials, zero laughs” day or something?
Indeed, Mr(s) McGee. It is a day upon which we combine the perfect duality of the “doubletter” (that compound word being certified as the official descriptive by a committee of wordsmiths, journalists and ink manufacturers, chaired by Lord Roger McGough, in 1962) with the nihlistic feelings imparted by a humourlack (said compound word being, also, verified by the committee previously described. Interestingly, humourlack was actually verified in 1963, one calendar year later than doubletter (1962), as the committe met during the months of December 1962 (doubletter was verified on December 18th, 1962) and January 1963 (humourlack was verified on January 4th, 1963)).
Of course, Two Initials, Zero Laughs Day (TwIZeLaG is the official acronym) – sanctioned by the then Conservative UK Government in 1983 as an official day of Holiday for journalists, poets, topiarists and wigmakers – now actually lasts for two days. It begins as Tonga enters into January 20th, not ending until Samoa, on the other side of the International Date Line, leaves behind January 20th (48 hours later. Of course, in a leap year, this difference becomes 48 hours and one quarter.
If you have any more questions, please visit our website at twizelag.org.
Wow… Thanks for maintaining the standard, at least. Come back JB, all is forgiven.
PG will that be on the test?
Mr Heritage…I do not mean to be all ’smartass’ on you, but it pisses me off the most when people wrongly comment on things and go thinking “Wow…How did i come up with that?!” First of all, the man you mention who ‘throws cards very hard’ ’s power is being able to transmit kinetic energy. One word to say to you, “Idiot”. Of course I could be more vulgar but then i wouldn’t sound very convincing would I?