Limelight-shy attention whore and alleged Dr. Conrad Murray copycat killer* Reese Witherspoon has spoken on her inevitable sex scenes with human floorboard impersonator Robert Pattinson in their new film Waterboarding For Elephants.
Witherspoon, whose enjoyment of shooting rifles at paparazzos is well-documented, claiming that her gasping disappointment at the size, shape and colour of her co-star’s penis was only part of the reason she injected a vial of smallpox into his mint-covered chest.
Supposedly R-Pattz didn’t enjoy the caressing touch of his co-star and left many on set wondering if the only thing about Pattinson to ever be wooden again would be his acting. Rumour has it that Witherspoon found his penis cold and scaly to the touch and compared it to ‘trying to catch a terrified gekko’.
Naturally, the only logical course of action was for the can-opener faced Witherspoon to casually inject a vial of renowned disease Smallpox into her co-star’s chest while stifling a girlish giggle. The morning after, Pattinson is alleged to have awoken feeling slightly under the weather and lumbered forth to the set to finish filming the pervy, disgusting, naked, sweaty scenes. Witherspoon said:
“He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding!”
Supposedly the Smallpox in his system actually rejected Pattinson’s ‘dull’ DNA and did its best to escape from his body via the closest orifice.
Unfortunately, it was through his piss-slit and the unfortunate Witherspoon was left covered in something more closely resembling flubber before it promptly formed itself into a one-finger salute and jumped back into the vial. Eye witnesses state that Pattinson’s facial expression didn’t change once during the entire incident.
*Just kidding, lawyers. Although, there’s a good chance it’s true.**
**No, seriously. Just kidding.