Now, here’s a hideous image for you: pretty movie-pixie Winona Ryder (DVDs) sullying herself with "non-stop demands for sex" from walking hatstand and lead Jamiroquai (CDs) gimp Jay Kay. Kind of like imagining Marilyn Monroe (DVDs) getting felt up by leery old Jim Davidson, isn’t it?

Here’s the worst thing, though … it’s all true.

Apparently.

In an interview with FHM magazine – a publication that, if it were a human being, would surely be wearing a Burberry jacket and downing Stellas in Yates Wine Lodge – Jay Kay explained that Ryder’s insatiable libido damn near "wore him out."

"She has these enormous breasts – bigger than they look on film," he explained, before going on to reveal how lovely Noni had "this habit of constantly wanting to play hide the sausage. It was exhausting".

Two things spring immediately to hecklerspray’s mind.

a) Watching Winona Ryder’s movies will never be the same again. But seeing as – with the noble exception of Heathers (DVD) - all Winona Ryder movies are a big pile of poo, that doesn’t really matter.

b) Wouldn’t things have worked out better for the world if, instead of "hiding the sausage", Winona had taken steps to hide Jay Kay’s guitar?

Something to think about next time you’re bedding a tenth-rate Stevie Wonder-wannabe, eh, Winnie?

[story by C J Davies]