In the olden days, there weren’t many events that cropped up once a year. It was just your bog standard happy-go-lucky religious festivals like Christmas and Easter. Merry times indeed.
Slowly but surely however, more and more events have crept into the calendar. Many – gulp – charity events. In the beginning it was all about Children In Need and Red Nose Day, where a few tin-post celebrities and naff presenters will come together in a TV studio and make us all feel bad about the suffering of others just so they can rob us of our beer money for a night. Or possibly even two if they can pull the right heart strings. Unbeknown to us generous folks here at hecklerspray where we love to give as well as receive, some dating website is offering the chance to give you – yes you – a chance to win a date with a hot celebrity for something called National Dating Day. Well we say 'win', what we actually mean is the chance to bid for somebody in an auction. It’s like daylight prostitution!
Seeing all the proceeds of this National Dating Day auction are going to charity, you'd imagine that the company running this promotion would try and get some big names in to ensure that as many people as possible will log on and get bidding, right? Well grab hold of something as you're sure to be blown away by the sheer calibre of celebrities available. Forget Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, they don’t figure in the same league in the following studmuffins. Wait for it…
Actually, it's not worth building up much longer. How would you feel about being swooned by cockney gobshite Lily Allen? Happy? Scared? Charmed? Let down? They're all possible emotions you could go through by the thought of some loud-mouthed lass telling you about all her dodgy exploits in London and her hardknock life? Flattered we're sure. Lily has kindly created a profile for potential victims to know her a little bit better. Some of her interests include:
“Designing trainers, writing music, collecting records, sassy dresses and Sunday roasts.”
Make up your own mind there, folks; we have our opinions, but definitely wouldn’t want to make you think the way we do.
So who else do we have of interest? Well to be blunt, nobody really. If you’d like to be wined and dined by a cheating gameshow host, then why not have a bid on Chris Tarrant? If you’re not sure about whether to bid for a date with him, you can always phone a friend for advice. Ahem. The only other person on the list you could actually call a celebrity is the supposedly very funny Jimmy Carr – though with his habit of trying to offend every person he speaks to on his various TV appearances, it might not be the smoothest of dates. Maybe you could try and abuse him and see how he likes it. Or not. Just an idea. But if you do, you might want to start by mentioning that his eyes are a bit too close together.
So from a list of 14, we’ve concluded that the only the three mentioned qualified to be called a celebrity. Seems odd, doesn’t it, that 11 other people are being called a 'celebrity date'. Have we got our maths wrong? For once, no. To us, you see, you can’t really call Miss Great Britain/ England/ Scotland or Northern Ireland real celebrities. Fair dos – they're probably better looking than us, but most people who have the honour of being Miss whoever usually have the same story – “I was working in Tesco one day trying to get the barcode for a tin of beans lined up right when a man approached me and said that I was gorgeous and would I come model for him. I never thought it would happen to little old me. I’m just a simple girl from *insert city here.*” Expect these Miss Whoever’s to creep back to the supermarket checkout when they’ve faded into obscurity.
You can also date some so-called celebs from Capital and Heart FM. That’s brilliant! Well, er… if you live in bloody London where the station is broadcast, that is. Amazingly, we doubt that the folks of, say, Swindon are gonna be refreshing their bid to see if they're still winning. That’s probably why all these people have all got the lowest bids. Rocket science or what?
But what about poor old Liz McClarnon? Well we can’t really remember what she did. Something to do with the gone-but-not-missed girlband Atomic Kitten. We’d imagine a date with her telling you all about the pain the split of the band caused her and how her life is hell as a result. Bet that’s making you keen for her.
If anyone reading this does win a celebrity national Dating Day date, we’d be interested in knowing what groovy activities you got up to. Well that’s a lie; we just want to know what all their bad habit’s are. Especially Lily Allen’s. Her dad's Keith Allen you know.
[story by Matthew Laidlow]