Schizophrenia affects loads of people in the UK. We could be dead clever and look up some fascinating statistics on Google but we understand that you're not that interested and you understand we're not. So let's just agree that it affects 'loads of people' and leave it at that.
Schizophrenia is a subject that came to mind after watching the last 10 minutes of X Factor on Saturday. In fact, scrap schizophrenia – we've coined our own term: Polymorphic media personality disorder. That pretty much sums up Sharon Osbourne and the fact that, although she's everywhere at the moment, she never actually seems to be the same person in any two places.
We recently had the displeasure of watching a couple of episodes of The Sharon Osbourne show (ITV's attempt to claw back some viewers after O'Grady jumped ship). However, when watching the show it became quite apparent that it was – well, it was shit. It featured 'celebrity' interviews with Z-listers you've never even heard of who have nothing interesting to say.
Sharon Osbourne's media personality is so split that we were expecting her to shout "Fuck" at the assistant editor of OK magazine – and since when was the assistant editor of a magazine a good chatshow guest, anyway? The questions Sharon Osbourne asked were about as interesting as football is to an American and, to top it off, Sharon was dressed in a top so big it looked like she'd lost five stone and hadn't been shopping since. Perhaps this was in an effort to look more mumsy, as Sharon Osbourne's teatime persona requires.
Of course we're all aware of Sharon Osbourne's foul/ abusive/ trailer trash personality. That's the one we all fell in love with from The Osbournes. We want to see Sharon arguing with the neighbours and cleaning up dog shit again, not chatting about Posh Spice's, er, career with some fat no-name Aussie photographer.
And the there's Sharon Osbourne's bloody Asda advert persona. We can't be the only ones that found them a bit distasteful, can we? We've all watched Sharon struggle with colon cancer – and there she is slapping her arse because she's managed to save a few pennies on some Smart Price pork sausages! As if Sharon Osbourne goes to Asda, anyway. We can't see it, and if she does she'll not be buying the cheap shite. Can you imagine sitting in the Asda café enjoying a cup of tea and a jammy scone, listening to some whining brat who keeps crying and banging the back of your chair then, when you turn around to scold the child – either verbally or with the tea – and roll your eyes at the parent, you see Kelly Osbourne crying over the dodgy stitching in her George slacks? No. Can't see it. Sharon Osbourne probably doesn't even know what a supermarket is.
Then of course we have X Factor Sharon Osbourne; that grinning beast who tries to be as nice as pie, not saying a bad word about the poor performances of disillusioned auditionees, who are all possibly doing BTECs in performing arts. This gurning just makes her look false, thinking back to the 'neighbours and dog shit' persona. We're not saying Sharon Osbourne shouldn't have her own TV show, or be on X Factor, but we are saying she should not be on at before 11pm. This is the time for Richard And Judy and naff sitcoms.
Sharon Osbourne belongs on TV late at night where she can "shit," "fuck" and "bugger" to her heart's content. Who knows, she might even get some decent guests.
[story by Darren Lonsdale]
tv says
This is exactly what I was looking for, thanks for the great information.
anon says
So she is a bit rough. Have you read about her life and all the stuff she has been thru?
You have obviously had a really nice life and as such are a very judgmental person.