Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of laying down, naked as a baby, and smearing ourselves with Scarlett Johansson’s nasal mucus.
And, hey, now we can. For reasons that frankly we’re too petrified to go into, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction off one of her snot-filled tissues on eBay. The most frightening news? It’s currently standing at $2,205.
While that makes for an expensive trophy – or dinner condiment – $2,205 is actually enough money for scientists to harvest Scarlett Johansson’s DNA and build their own snot-covered, manky-looking Jurassic Park-style Scarlett Johansson clone. Or they could just buy Cheryl Baker from Buck’s Fizz instead. Whichever’s cheapest.
Look, we know the credit crunch is hitting everyone hard, but we didn’t know it was so bad that celebrities would have to resort to flogging off their most cherished possessions to get by. Just yesterday we told you how Snoop Dogg was auctioning off his shed for one reason or another, and now it looks like Scarlett Johansson is getting in on the act, too.
Except Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have a shed – as a woman she only likes cushions and kittens and needlepoint and other activities that aren’t very shed-friendly – but what she does have is mucus.
Seriously, Scarlett Johansson is full to the brim with snot. In fact, we heard that Scarlett Johansson has so much mucus in her system at any given point in time that if you prick her with a pin as she walks past, four gallons of red-hot snot will squirt out of the hole right into your eyeball.
So, since she’s got more snot than she knows what to do with, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction some of it off to whichever one of her obsessed stalkers has the most money. Fox reports:
During an appearance on ?The Tonight Show With Jay Leno,? she told Leno that her “Spirit? co-star Samuel L. Jackson had given her his cold. She humbly added that the cold was the union of two big stars, so the tissue undoubtedly had high value. So ScarJo decided to auction off the tissue Leno gave her, after using it, with the proceeds going to USA Harvest, a charity Johannson selected.
Well that’s just delightful, although it does seem like an idea that’s been bogged down with a little too much red tape to us. First Scarlett Johansson has to produce the snotty tissue, then place it for sale on eBay, then people have to go through a 10-day bidding period on it, then the winner is selected and the tissue has to be shipped, then the money has to be sent to Scarlett Johansson who’ll pass it on to USA Harvest who’ll buy seeds to grow plants to feed the hungry.
It’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if USA Harvest just lined up a row of maybe 500 needy people and just got Scarlett Johansson to run down the line with a finger clamped over one nostril, blasting jets of nutritious Johansson-snot into their grateful mouths? Wouldn’t it? Why don’t these people think?
Anyway, well done to Scarlett Johansson for using her illness to raise money for charity in such an inventive way. And we hope it’s a trend that catches on, too – otherwise our Konnie Huq Infected Bandage Fund will all be for nothing. Nothing!
Oh, go on then – bid on Scarlett Johansson’s gruesome snot-rag here