Is it possible to have so much charisma in your body that your muscles actually expand? Yes, it is. The result of the successful experiment of injecting “likable” and “charming” into a Vin Diesel clone, Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock has, over the last decade, become my favorite actor. And not ironically, either. Sorry, hipsters. Keep drinking PBR through a straw and hope that someone likes your hilarious One Direction t-shirt.
Dwayne Johnson is too awesome to exist on this planet. Allow me to explain why.
Born to a centaur in human disguise and a woman who bore a vagina most geologists recognize as a volcano, Dwayne Johnson was propelled into earth and almost immediately started kicking ass. He was, at first, a football player, but he had to quit because it’s hard for doctor’s to correct a tackle injury when the bones have been shattered to powdered milk. He was a hazard to every team he played against, and most of the games he participated in ended in forfeit, because it’s hard to throw a ball past Dwayne Johnson when you’re too busy nervously crying and peeing.
After that, Dwayne Johnson headed into pro wrestling, where he was universally despised for his forced good guy image, or so they say. What actually happened was that men hated Dwayne for the effect he had on their girlfriend’s vaginas. Every time Dwayne Johnson enters a room, a building inspector has to confirm that it’s fit to be a sperm bank, and every time he exits, it turns into a maternity ward.
Dwayne changed his attitude around, mainly because of his eye brows and their many unsuccessful attempts to look un-cocky. He became the People’s Champion. The Brahma Bull. The Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment. With an inspirational attitude that combined telling you that you sucked with telling you that you sucked again, he was truly The Rock.
His feuds were legendary, and no one looked good in comparison. The Undertaker became a boring, funeral home attendee when beside him. Stone Cold was a just a pawn shop employee when locking eyes with The Rock. But despite all the Rock Bottoms and People’s Elbows, The Rock had grander intentions than to just throw people around and then tell their fans about how he wanted to give oral to the hot lady ones. He wanted to be a movie star.
Despite the fact that his CGI form in The Mummy Returns looked like someone’s attempt to make an action figure out of plastic and something that melts plastic, The Rock truly came to shine in another shot at the same character in The Scorpion King, or, as I like to call it, 300, With Just One Guy.
A lot of people claimed that The Scorpion King was a mindless action movie, which makes sense, because when men see something as unattainable as the sheer charisma and character of The Rock, they immediately start thinking with their uterus’, instead of their brain.
Next up, The Rock was in The Rundown and the remake of Walking Tall, in which he effectively pumped two shotguns simultaneously and beat up guys in a casino. It was like watching poetry in motion, if your definition of poetry is measured by the size of the bruise on your jaw.
He had a comedic turn in Be Cool and then a cooler turn as Sarge in the Doom adaptation, where he spouted classic lines like “I’m not supposed to die!” and “Big fucking gun.” Anyone who saw Doom had to buy new razors to take care of their chest hairs, and new, larger penises to take care of their wives’ desires. A remake of Doom is in the works, which is the equivalent of breaking up with someone, and then buying a vibrator. Sure, it’s the same, but it’s not really the same.
He was then in an inspirational movie about football, where he didn’t run at someone so hard that astrologists are still looking for their skulls, and a few more things where he slowly turned away from his nickname “The Rock,” and began to go by, simply, “Dwayne Johnson.” Aesthetically, that’s a less sweet sounding name, but when you’re six-foot-five and can bench press a car by just looking at it, no one is going to tell you that your birth name sounds dorky.
I liked him next in Faster and The Other Guys, where he was the only person man enough to stand beside Samuel L. Jackson while S.L.J. told someone to “Shut up” and not look like a child. They killed off his character in that movie pretty early though, mainly because, if Dwayne Johnson had stayed alive, the film would’ve been over in ten minutes.
A person’s natural response to Dwayne Johnson is to either spread rose petals on the bed and prepare for impact or just prepare for impact. If a criminal was faced with him, the film would immediately change to a commercial about why you need health insurance.
He was then in Fast Five, the best movie in a series about people screeching tires. Was it the best because Dwayne Johnson was in it? Yes. That’s not even up for debate. Then, he was in Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, which was better than the original, Journey 1: I Hope A Real Dinosaur Eats Brendan Frasier. Another coincidence? No. Dwayne Johnson just makes things better. He’s like the peanut butter of actors, or the Dwayne Johnson of peanut butters.
Next, Dwayne Johnson will be in G.I. Joe: Retaliation, where he’ll most certainly be seen shooting huge guns, saying cool stuff, and punching guys. He was most recently found scaring burglars away from the set of Fast Six, because, when The Rock runs at you, the only option is to flee or hope that your family knows how to pray. The human body, and the real world itself, are not equipped to handle awesome like that.