All done and finished, thank God, the second most pointless televisional skidmark in history (you have to guess the first), Channel 4’s The Games.

After a tense final Olivier took the Gold, H.R.H Princess…blah, blah, blah – who cares?!  Who could possibly ever care about this tosh??!!

Chronically out of work and desperate for attention celebrities are an easy target, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all be sharpening our knives for them.

First in line should be Philip Olivier. After his agonisingly crap northern car thieves soap Brookside finished, Olivier’s been left with nothing better to do than pluck his eyebrows and convince himself he’s straight.

He’s now beaten a load of losers only vaguely more deserving of life than himself. One to show off about that, Olivier, you fake frowning ladyboy.

So, let’s take a look at the rest of The Games’ contestants – some prat from Liberty X, Lisa Maffia (does she actually think her name sounds hard?), Mel ‘hips like a double-decker bus’ Giedroyc and Chesney Hawkes, this year’s most obvious candidate for human shield should we be invaded.

And there were a host of other people hecklerspray couldn’t be bothered writing about. All losers, all destined for shelf stacking at Tescos, delivering newspapers, or, with any luck, explosion.

Back to our original question, who exactly did watch The Games? Was it you? Your mum’s sister’s uncle? Maybe it was some homeless guy sitting outside Dixons with nothing better to do. Well, you’re all responsible for giving Jamie Theakston more work.

It’s all your fault.

When will you people learn? We don’t care what your pathetic excuse is; Theakston should never, ever be given anything to do but lick stamps until his tongue falls out.

This is the 21st Century, people. We don’t need to pretend we care anymore. When the world implodes and obliterates us for America’s crimes, we’ll all wished we’d done the decent thing.

The decent thing was to not have watched The Games. And especially not, under any circumstances, to have anything to do with getting Theakston a job. Unless he’s collecting up discarded foreskins after circumcisions.  That’d be okay, we s’pose.

Fancy reading more about The Games? Think this link will take you there. It will, but we can only hope you slip and break your neck before you get to the mouse. You people.