As every celebrity couple in America part ways in time for Christmas, intrepid British Y-Listers are fearlessly attempting to buck the trend. Leading the resistance, Zain Malik and Geneva Lane have announced via the Twitter that they are in luv.
Some of you might be asking ?who are they? Why should I care? What are you doing in my internet?? and to be honest you might have a point.
Nevertheless, in answer to your unspoken question: Zain and Geneva were contestants from this year?s X-Factor; you only need to know if you are a twelve year old girl or are likely to be around one in the near future; and looking for spoons, mainly.
Zain is from losing boy band One Direction – you may remember him as the one whose grandfather had to die before they let him sing. Geneva, meanwhile, is a member of losing girl band Belle Amie, and? has brown hair. Judging by their Twitter accounts both are semi-literate at best, but that's OK because they are destined for big things in the world of pop.
The only good thing to come out of this deeply uninteresting union is the constant tabloid repetition of the phrase ?Simon?s Love Ban,? which refers to the strange haired music mogul?s decree that nobody living in the X Factor house is allowed to touch each other on pain of death.
Is there any power that man does not wield? Think what beautiful unions could be achieved if he didn't insist on such a ridiculous rule! Think of the money that could be made.
What glossy magazine would turn its nose up at an exclusive on the unlikely love between Wagner and Katie Weasel (surely both fame hungry enough to give it a go?) or Cher and Paige (he'd keep her grounded ‘like a little Lenny Henry’), or stalker-eyed Aiden and the dismembered bodies in the cellar?
But no, thanks to Mr Capulet over there, such moments are lost. Instead, busy and important journalists have to spend their time making up preposterous stories like Zain and Cher being an item. That’d be fellow contestant Cher Lloyd, not the auton faced star of Burlesque. Wouldn't want to stretch it too far (unlike her plastic surgeon).
You have to wonder why they bother, though. Everyone knows it's better to spend the festive season engaged in heartache.
That's why all the best festive songs (Last Christmas, Lonely This Christmas, Mr Blobby) are about being alone. Hopefully someone will tell Zain and Geneva before they lose all their artistic integrity by being happy in one another?s company on the 25th.
Internet, we’re counting on you.
This article was written by Ali George and what? We’re supposed to be impressed or something?