Whiney Houston’s Coming! Hide Your Crackpipe!
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember.
Oh, don’t be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It’s Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is.
Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she’s got a new album out soon. Weird.
It’s been 11 years since Whitney Houston last released a hit record, 1998’s My Love Is Your Love. And just look at all the crap that’s happened in the meantime. Wars, environmental disaster, terrorist atrocities, financial collapse. Would any of these have happened if Whitney Houston hadn’t gone on her extended sabbatical? No, no of course they wouldn’t – the universal themes of love as demonstrated in such Whitney Houston classics as The Greatest Love Of All, I’m Every Woman and My Name Is Not Susan would have single-handedly put a stop to all that funny business.
We mean it. At the very least, Whitney Houston’s continued success would have meant that Osama bin Laden would have been too busy rubbing his crotch up and down the TV screen every time one of her videos came on MTV to plan and execute 9/11. And we can say that with some degree of certainty.
So the world needs Whitney Houston more than ever, if only because a new album of hers would give the endless parade of X Factor contestants something other than I Will Always Love You and I Have Nothing to warble during their interminable auditions. So the good news is this – Whitney Houston is back!
No, really, Whitney Houston is back. She’s ditched her hilariously stereotypical addiction to crack, all the teeth that she lost during her addiction period have presumably grown back and she’s divorced that man whose main role appeared to involve yanking wads of poo out of her bum with his fingers and then discussing it on television – and she’s ready to release a brand new album. Rolling Stone reports:
After a six-year absence from the studio, Whitney Houston will return with a new album on September 1st, 2009. While there’s no word on the track list for Whitney’s September record, Davis had mentioned she was stepping into the studio with R. Kelly to record a song titled “I Look to You” and spoke about a Diane Warren-penned ballad called “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.”
Now don’t get too excited – Whitney Houston’s comeback album had already been promised for last Christmas, and it didn’t appear then, so it won’t be too much of a surprise if it ends up getting postponed again. In many ways we hope it does, since in our opinion the world of painfully bland hairdresser R&B-lite has always been crying out for a Chinese Democracy.
But let’s look on the bright side here. Congratulations, Whitney. We’re right behind you. That’s mostly because if we get in front of you you might see us, have a crack flashback, mistake us for an imaginary demon and attack us with your shoe. We really can’t stress how eager we are for that not to happen.
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Whitney Houston, wow, that rings a bell… wasn’t she, like, beaten up by Lawrence Fishburne back in the 70s? Yeah, something like that…
Ha ha ha. You must think you’re a regular comedian with your crude remarks about WHitney and all. Name one MEGA STAR who has not had a public meltdown or issue? Very few. So WHitney had issues, and it lingered on longer than it should have. At least she is making an attempt at getting her life back. And what are you doing? Making gutter remarks. I bet if I took a flash light and probed into YOUR LIFE, and had the whole world watching, you might not be as flippant as you are now.
(http://kennethtamara.com)
You (this article and its comments)are ignorant, much like you apparently. do you think this is funny, you sound like you are on something yourself. Did you make these type of comments with Boy George, Robert Downey Jr., Kurt Kobein, Belushi. No you did not, so don’t be a wise butt.
Search for “Boy George” or “Robert Downey Jr” on the site to get your answer.
The others were a bit before Stu’s websitey time, unfortunately.
Stuart, you make writing seem so easy…
Most stars have had meltdowns before, but unlike Whitney, Madonna and Brit Brit managed to (somewhat) pull themselves together to orchestrate a successful comeback. Whitney however has been sitting on her ass with her nose half-buried in crack, while simultaneously being involved in her on-off relationship with BOBBEH and making the occasional promise of a “CUMBACK”. This smells like another of her half-assed efforts again. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it was canceled yet again.
Also, why don’t people get this site? It’s frequently updated with witty and pertinent commentary on pop culture and I make it one of my daily reads. Someone please take the crackpipe out of Whitney’s mouth and smack Regina over the head to get that self-righteousness out of her head.
The author of this article has some issues themself. Obviously, they need to poke fun at other’s mishaps to feel good about themself. This whole website should be crashed right now. This garbage just makes me sick. Go get a life and leave her’s alone. She is doing her thing.
Lay off of Whitney you jackass. Whitney Houston is the greatest female singer of our generation and no matter what you may think of her: NO ONE will ever surpass her peak and accomplish what she has in the industry. She’s a LEGEND. Everyone has personal problems and everyone makes mistakes. Don’t act like you’re any better. She divorced Bobby years ago, got into rehab and got off the drugs and HASN’T been in the news for doing anything negative or whacky in A LONG TIME. Give her her props and stop being ignorant, LOSER!
Its easy to be mean and crude to people when you are a nobody. The problem with you is you have no talent in order for any and everyone to care whether you had a meltdown or not. You are just some queen that can’t get a man so you take it out on someone with enough talent to give you some but, you wouldn’t know what to do with it.