When the words ’sex’ and ‘tape’ collide, you tend to quite quickly get people’s attention. Throw in the word ‘celebrity’ and everyone’s hooked.

And when we heard that another sex tape featuring a celebrity had surfaced, we got ready to squint at the pixelated shagfest – except one of the core ingredients that makes up a sex tape was missing.

The vital thing for a celebrity sex tape is er… a celebrity. Sadly, rejected reality show contestants who model themselves on rubbish pouty pop stars don’t count. Besides, anyone living in the UK will have already seen Chanelle from Big Brother’s tits in most copies of the Daily Star, Daily Sport or Nuts/Zoo magazine. But that hasn’t stopped Chanelle from making the least convincing sex tape in the history of the world. Yes, it’s after the jump…

Now, we’re not the brainiest of people, but this ‘leaking’ of a tape showing no more then someone slapping their arse is a bit convenient. With the new series of Big Brother soon to start, the old contestants will soon be forgotten about. Cue one of the more memorable contestants – Chanelle, remember? Whiny bitch, Posh Spice infatuation – trying to regain some sort of recognition.

You see, Chanelle is launching a pop career. As we all know, it’s going to be as successful as a black man at a BNP rally. Still, it’ll be fun to watch her try and fail along the way. VH1 is following her through the few ups and many downs of her new career. In order to promote it, teaser trailers have been played all over the MTV network and sister station TMF.

But what’s the next best way to get some attention? Sexual goings on, that’s what. We all know the girl likes to show us her body. All the snaps of her previously showing off her fried-egg like boobies weren’t taken by accident. And now here’s the sex tape to promote her show.

Thing is, there isn’t much nookie going on here. Instead of a bobbing head a la Paris Hilton, or an embarrassing orgy with Screech from Saved By The Bell, we get fakery!

For 42 seconds we see what we presume is this girl’s idea of good night in. Starting with a bit of foreplay which seems to involve a good pat on the arse, she quickly finishes and goes straight for the sex. Her partner must have been so aroused that he’d want to penetrate her quicker then protesters want to do with the Chinese Olympics.

So he lays her on the bed and soon she is moaning and groaning more then any women we’ve ever seen. Even the ones in the films where everyone is naked and falling on top of each other. Unless we’re missing something, most women don’t get sent to a pleasurable heaven that quickly. Most need the aid of a bit of motorised plastic devices to tickle their lady portions effectively.

If this is a genuine sex tape – which it plainly isn’t – then Chanelle follows in the footsteps of Imogen from the 2006 series as a Big Brother sex tape star. There was also Kinga, who memorably wanked herself off with a wine bottle, but we don’t like to think about that especially often.

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Big Brother loser Chanelle has ’sex tape’ leaked - Metro