OK, that’s it. Adam Lambert has had enough of the speculation. He’s going to put an end to this right now.
For weeks, Adam Lambert has been forced to endure all kinds of unwanted media speculation over his sexuality. And now he’s reached the end of his tether. Nobody should suffer the torment he’s been put through. And that’s why, on the cover of Rolling Stone, Adam Lambert has stated once and for all that he definitely isn’t gay.
Wait, what? Adam Lambert said he is gay? Really? But that doesn’t make any sense! His nail varnish is so masculine!
Just a hunch here, but we have a feeling that the next issue of Rolling Stone is going to feature a bear on the cover, along with the headline ‘Hey, I Just Did This Excellent Crap! Over There, In The Woods! Look, It’s Next To My Friend The Pope! He’s A Catholic! Did You Know That?’
Why? Because Rolling Stone has just officially outed Adam Lambert as a gay man. Let’s get straight to the quote, shall we? Adam Lambert told Rolling Stone:
“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler. I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context. I’m proud of my sexuality. It’s just another part of me.”
Now, yes, look, congratulations to Adam Lambert for having the guts to stand up and out himself on his own terms like that, but we can’t help feeling that he’s making a terrible mistake here.
What set Adam Lambert apart from his American Idol counterparts was his aura of mystery. Was he gay? Was he straight? Sure, he might have already been outed once and he’s openly got a boyfriend and any fool with the internet can easily access pictures of him kissing boys with tongues and everything he’s ever done, said or thought in public has been unquestionably informed by the fact that he’s a gay man – but who could really say for sure, huh?
We suppose what annoys us most about Adam Lambert’s admission that he’s gay is that it’s in direct violation of rock star tradition. Everybody knows that before a singer can admit to being gay he first needs to first 1) embark upon an awkward, loveless marriage with a female employee, 2) record a zany duet with Kiki Dee and then 3) hint at his homosexuality by claiming that, rather than seeing people as gay or straight, he prefers to think of human sexuality as a sliding scale of endless permutations.
What we’re trying to say is that Adam Lambert has gypped us out of his zany duet with Kiki Dee. And we’re not sure that we’ll be able to forgive him for that.
It now remains to be seen whether or not Adam Lambert’s gay admission will affect his level of fame. To be honest, we can’t see it happening – it doesn’t matter what he does, to us Adam Lambert will always be that bloke who couldn’t even win American Idol. And long may he reign.