It’s official: our gracious, noble Queen Liz junior, has rewritten the record books again by becoming the longest living British monarch in history.

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

Queen Victoria was born on May 24th 1819 and died on January 22 1901, and only lived for 81 years, seven months and 29 days. But today Liz has pissed all over that record and made it look like the life of a daddy longlegs in comparison to her own legacy – a mammoth 81 years, seven months, 29 days and five minutes!

Along with her 60th wedding anniversary with Prince Phillip, it’s the second time this month that the Queen has been banging on the doors of the Guinness world record fellows. However, she still has some way to go before she beats Victoria as the longest-reigning British monarch. That accolade would be achieved should Liz 2 still be throning it up on September 9 2015.

If her mother was anything to go by, that record’ll be as easy to achieve as wiping a harlot of a daughter-in-law off the face of the planet with one click of her fingers (something that Queen Liz has never attempted, to her great credit).

During Queen Victoria’s life, she managed to survive the traumas of no less than three assassination attempts – the first an attempt by 18-year-old Edward Oxford, who fired two shots whilst the then Queen was riding in a carriage with Prince Albert in London. Both missed the target (though rumour has it one pierced Albert's bell-end) and, remarkably, he was acquitted of High Treason on the grounds of insanity. 

And it’s been a tough four score and one and a bit for Liz as well; she’s had to read one whole speech each year, she has – on more than one occasion – had to ask one of her servants to wipe Corgi shit of her Persian rug and the pain she must have felt when she first saw Charles’ face as it strained out her stretched royal vagina… well, we’ll never know.

So well done to you, Lizzy, on behalf of all at hecklerspray. God has certainly been listening each time we belt out our National Anthem before our work here starts each morning.

Here’s to another 81 years!

Read more:

Queen takes Victoria longevity mark – Press Association