OK, sit down. This might come as a shock to some of you. Deep breaths, though – together we can get through this.
It’s about Avatar. Ready? It’s still the weekend box office number one. Yes, we know, it’s still losing ground each week, and on Friday it looked as though it was going to be beaten by The Book of Eli this week. But that was never really going to happen, was it?
Of course not – everyone knows that the hot new weekend box office thing is slightly tedious movies about blue inexplicable Jesus figures. And that’s where The Book Of Eli slipped up – it’s a slightly tedious movie about an inexplicable black Jesus figure. So near and yet so far!
Up until now, there has been a lot of talk about Avatar beating Titanic‘s gross to become the biggest movie of all time. Call us cynical if you like, but we don’t see that happening.
Don’t forget, Titanic had something for everything – namely Kate Winslet‘s boobs and a Leonardo DiCaprio death scene. Meanwhile, what does Avatar have? Michelle Rodriguez in a vest and a sort of Smurf 9/11. That’s fairly niche at best. And don’t forget, Avatar faces stiff weekend box opposition from The House Of Numbers – and nothing’s more popular than numbers and houses, especially when combined in a film that nobody has heard of. Avatar‘s spell at the top could be doomed!
Here’s the weekend box office top five…
1 – Avatar (Avatar is still the weekend box office number one. You know what this means? Maybe stoners really will watch anything) $41,300,000
2 – The Book Of Eli (Now, we should make it perfectly clear that, despite its title, The Book of Eli has no biblical overtones whatsoever. It’s actually a story about a copy of Everybody Poops owned by a man called Eli, who occasionally looks at it and sort of smiles. That’s roughly the long and short of it) $31,615,000
3 – The Lovely Bones (First Peter Jackson adapted a classic novel in Lord Of The Rings. Then he adapted a classic monkey movie in King Kong. Now he’s adapted a slightly less-classic novel in The Lovely Bones. This means that his next movie will be an adaptation of a slightly less-classic monkey movie. May we suggest Dunston Checks In? Thanks awfully) $17,060,000
4 – Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (Dear Firefox built-in spellcheck, please begin to add the word ‘squeakquel’ to your dictionaries. We have a nasty feeling that it isn’t about to go away any time soon) $11,500,000
5 – Sherlock Holmes (Incredibly, despite the outcry over the alleged homosexual content in Sherlock Holmes, there doesn’t appear to be a porno spoof of this movie yet. Not even one called Sherlock Bones. Or one called Spermlock Holmes. Or one called Bumfuck Moans. Seriously, this is why the porn industry is in so much trouble) $9,825,000