The weekend box office has a new number one film – Disturbia. Disturbia is a lot like the last weekend box office number one, only with less Will Ferrell grabbing Napoleon Dynamite's penis and more of the annoying kid from I, Robot being annoying.
Disturbia is the chilling tale of how that annoying kid from I, Robot creepily rips off the entire plot of Rear Window until the guy who he's spying on gets all like "Hey, you're that annoying kid from I, Robot and you sort of piss me off" and tries to kill him, possibly with some kind of pipe. Disturbia is also due to go down in movie history as the film with the single most annoying title since time began, after Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
Of course, it'd be wrong to claim that Disturbia is a direct rip-off of Rear Window. It isn't – in Rear Window the main character never solved mysteries with wireless internet, camcorders and picture messaging. Really, that's where Disturbia falls down – if the film was anywhere close to being realistic, the hero wouldn't have time to stop a murderer because he'd be too busy wanking to slowly-downloading porn torrents, uploading videos of himself happyslapping a pensioner onto YouTube and texting pictures of pigs with penises for heads to his friends with the message 'Dis Iz U'. Here's the US weekend box office top five…
1 – Disturbia (Make the most of Disturbia, because it's the last film that annoying kid from I, Robot is ever going to make. In a few months he'll be known as the annoying kid from Transformers) $23,025,000
2 – Blades Of Glory (So it's farewell to the top of the weekend box office for Will Ferrell, at least until his next film about an [insert hilarious profession] who takes a fall and makes a hilarious comeback is released) $14,065,000
3 – Meet The Robinsons (Meet The Robinsons has been in the weekend box office chart for three weeks now, so we figured the least we could do was watch the trailer to try and understand it – and we still haven't got a clue, except for we think Professor Robert Winstone is in it) $12,103,000
4 – Perfect Stranger (Thank God Perfect Stranger only got to number four – any higher and we'd be terrified that other moviestars would try and copy Halle Berry's weird "I hate marriage!/ I want babies!/ I tried to kill myself once, you know!" style of film promotion) $11,500,000
5 – Are We Done Yet? (Yes, it'd be easy to spend a second week laying into Ice Cube for making a toothless family comedy, but the fact is that Are We Done Yet? is the only thing stopping us from having to write about a film called Pathfinder: Legend Of The Ghost Warrior, so obviously we're eternally grateful) $9,200,000
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