Hey, guess what? Avatar is the top movie at the weekend box office again! Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh?

What? You did see that coming? You saw it coming because you’ve spent the last week unable to move for millions of identical articles about how Avatar is now the second-biggest film of all time after Titanic and what it means for the future of Hollywood and how James Cameron could basically poo into a bucket and you’d all go and see it? Oh fine. Be like that.

But still, well done Avatar. But let’s see how well you’ll be doing at next week’s weekend box office, against the mighty colossus that is The Spy Next Door starring Jackie Chan and Billy Ray Cyrus. Enjoy that second-biggest film ever title while you can, Cameron.

So Avatar is top of the weekend box office again. We have to admit to being a little surprised by that. Not because Avatar is too long (even though it is) or because it’s too formulaic (even though it is) or because it’s essentially a film about some lanky blue bastards who can plug their hair into horses (even though it is), but because of its radical political message. Apparently, according to Avatar, war is bad and it’s nice to be nice to things. Who knew audiences would be into something that profound? Not us!

Still, let’s not carp on about Avatar for too long, because it’s going to be the weekend box office number one for weeks and we need to ration our sarcasm towards it. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Avatar (Genuine question: is Avatar doing so well because people have realised that it’s much more interesting to watch when stoned? Because it sort of smelt that way when we went to see it. It’d also explain the unnecessarily long line at the popcorn stand and the fact that people didn’t fall asleep two thirds of the way through like we did) $48,500,000

2 - Sherlock Holmes (Now waist deep in a homosexuality scandal which probably won’t be helped by the news that Sherlock Holmes 2 will be an adaptation of the short story The Adventure Of The Enormous Arse Dildo) $16,610,000

3 - Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (What a week it’s been for Katy Perry. Engaged to Russell Brand and the fourth-biggest film at the weekend box office contains one of her songs as performed by a trio of shit-eating animated rodents with silly voices. She’s living the dream, that one) $16,300,000

4 - Daybreakers (It’s a heavy-handed allegory for oil, but it’s also got vampires in it. Something for everyone, then, provided you’re either a beardy lefto or an incontinent teenage girl. But, hey, who isn’t these days?) $15,000,000

5 - It’s Complicated (Named after a phrase popularised by social media. Look for its sequel,Hacked By The Iranian Cyber Army) $11,007,000

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