Wayne Newton’s Sickly Heart Stops The Music

It’s simply amazing the lengths celebrities are going to for this whole writer’s strike thing.   

You know, like how Ellen DeGeneres cancelled taping her show in NYC, Julia Louis-Dreyfus picketed arm in arm with Wanda Sykes, Garth Brooks cancelled his TV appearances, and so on. 

But all of these people are total poseurs because if you really want to support a cause, you develop a life-threatening chronic illness that causes you to cancel shows for months on end disappointing lonely middle-aged women everywhere like Wayne Newton has done. Wayne Newton and his virus-ridden heart are the only celebrity making any real sacrifices here.  

The rest of you people just make us sick. 

Legendary singer Wayne Newton has a big heart. We don’t mean that he sings to blind amputee orphan leper children or wipes spilled tanker oil off of baby seals with his silky shirts, but he literally has a big heart. Wayne Newton has a heart condition known as cardiomyopathy, so his heart is bigger than it should be. And if you know anything about the human body you know that the heart is pretty important as far as bodily organs go, so it’s understandable that Wayne Newton would be forced to cancel his Las Vegas shows for the next two months.

However, such cancellations should be appended with warnings of swerving mini-vans and all chocolates being sold out of stores due to the severe depression of middle-aged women that have been planning a trip to Las Vegas to see Wayne Newton with their Weight Watchers support group for months.  

Anyway, it turns out that Wayne Newton apparently contracted a virus during a USO tour in Afghanistan that has led to his unfortunate condition. That sucks for him, really. Seriously, we could understand if he got the disease as punishment for his awful showing on Dancing With The Stars, but not for this. Such an event makes us even more grateful that Paris Hilton isn’t going to Rwanda where she could contract some horrible parasite that would fester in her brain and make it impossible to make albums or say ridiculously stupid things on Larry King Live or do anything at all. Yeah, that’d be real bad.   

But, hey, don’t you go writing your sympathies for Wayne Newton just yet, because he’s got a few things to say about the matter: 

“This is just another little bump in the road. The doctors are a little more concerned than I am. Part of their concern is that I feel so good—I’m not taking this lightly.” 

And if you’re one of those people rooting for Wayne Newton to choke to death as you watch the sputum overflow from his mouth and collect in his chest hair and belly button, then first of all shame on you for thinking such things, and second of all, Mr. Las Vegas has a few words for you, too: 

“I really want to apologise to the fans that were going to see me in those shows. I’m terribly apologetic. And for those who want to paint this situation with a black brush, they’re not going to get their wish. I’m going to be fine.” 

It is really such a relief to hear that Wayne Newton is going to be fine. Not only because heart disease is a horrific ordeal, but because a sexier 65-year-old barrel-chested, girdle-strapped man with teasing peeks at chest hair we have yet to find.