The past 12 months has been weird for Cheryl Cole. She’s got malaria, which no-one ever gets because it’s a bloody tropical disease… and she got divorced from her husband… which in fairness, is very common in this country.
Neither of these things are particularly pleasant to go through, so when prodded and poked by a man with a face that looks like it is made from suet, there’s a good chance all the pain and anguish will rise up through your eye-sockets.
And that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl did an interview on TV show, Piers Morgan’s Life Stories.
If that isn’t enough, she’s got to put up with Louis Walsh every bloody week. We’ll let you decide who is the little bitch of the two.
But poor ol’ Cheryl has been left crushed by Ashley Cole and his wandering genitals. The popster told Piers Morgan, increasing looking like a pillow case with a face drawn on it, that her split from England footballer had left her heartbroken.
Not literally. That’s a different thing called ‘a heart attack’.
She managed to keep pretty quiet about the whole split while it was going on, which some may suggest is ‘dignified’. Others may proffer that the reason she kept quiet is because she was holding out for the biggest payout on the interview.
She’s now ready to talk and we’ll get to see the tiny tears on Life Stories which will air on October 23rd.
“Looking back on it, I feel numb. We had a great marriage and a fantastic wedding day but I don’t know where it went wrong. To this day I still question that.”
Maybe Ashley Cole is so toxic that when you fall in love with him, you catch a disease like malaria.
What actually happened was that she got it from a trip to Tanzania and a mosquito decided that she looked like she might be a good person to bite.
Of course, the mosquito in question went onto become something of a celebrity in Africa, where it now has it’s own chatshow where it gurgling the blood of television stars and pulls funny faces before delivering the punchline “this show sucks!”
Melodramatically, Cole said that she felt so ill as a result of the disease that she thought she was going to die.
“It was touch and go for 24 hours. It was serious. I actually thought I was going to die.
“All I thought was that if I was going to die, please let it be soon.”