Who’s looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It’s going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf’s in it.

Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 – which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – has hit the internet. Yes, you’re right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are.

Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you’d better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we’re also going to analyse the arse off it. For you…

Right, before we hit you with the Wall Street 2 trailer, let’s just discuss the title. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Presumably it got the name because Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING MONEY wouldn’t fit on the posters. Honestly, we’re starting to think that Oliver Stone just wrote down the first thing he thought of. Look, these are all better names for Wall Street 2…

Wall Street: Money Never Skydives

Wall Street: Money Never Farts

Wall Street: Money Never Wears A Nice Hat

Wall Street: Money Sometimes Jangles

Wall Street: Money Doesn’t Usually Stare At You Until You Run Away And Shut Yourself In A Cupboard Clutching With A Breadknife For Protection But It Probably Would If You Let It, The Bastard.

Anyway, now that’s out of the way, let’s have a look at the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer…

But wait! That probably rushed by a little too fast for you, and you were probably distracted by the genuinely horrendous soundtrack. So let’s go through the Wall Street 2 trailer scene by scene and work out what the film will actually be about. Ready?

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 1

First, let’s introduce ourselves to Wall Street 2’s new character. It’s Shia LaBeouf. Look, Shia LaBeouf is riding a motorbike. Just like Dr Fox does. And Dr Fox is a smug wanker. That means Shia LaBeouf must be a smug wanker, too.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 2

Oh God, now Shia LaBeouf is triumphantly pumping his fists at something. You know who else probably triumphantly pumps his fist at something? Dr Fox. Ugh, what an obscene little turd this Shia LaBeouf character must be.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 3

In this scene, Shia LaBeouf is studying numbers. This means that he’s either a) a genius, b) autistic or c) an irritating bastard. Oh, what the hell – let’s say he’s all three.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 4

Aha, who is this mysterious fellow being given back his possessions after a lengthy jail sentence? Let’s try and guess. He’s being given a gold watch…

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 5

…And a gold money clip. Hey, we think we know who this might be.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 6

And a comically large mobile phone, too. Yes! It’s definitely him! It has to be! It’s…

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 7

…Oh Jesus Christ, what’s happened to his face? It’s gone all weird and saggy and crap! Our eyes! OUR EYES!

You’re welcome, readers.

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