Walk Elton John, Walk

You know who's fat? Elton John – he’s got more chins than a Leno family reunion.

He’s old, too, but we have a feeling it’s the fatness that caused today’s story to unravel. And please notice, if you will, that Elton John doesn’t have a single song that expounds on the virtue of health, regular exercise, or the heart's extreme importance in keeping the rest of the body regularly fuelled with blood, oxygen, and several carefully balanced blood-oxygen/oxygen-blood combos.

That’s probably why we’ve never been able to lyrically relate to the man. All the songs we’ve ever written have become staples of jazzercise videos and Lakers games. Regardless of our incredible songwriting prowess which will likely be discovered by millions any day now, today’s story is about a time when the two princes forced Elton to walk over ten steps in a row. He got so mad his neck literally blew up allowing several vaporous gay devils to escape into the night sky, and a partially-eaten ham sandwich to plop neatly to the sidewalk.

And by literally we mean figuratively.

Princess Diana got the hell tributed out of her recently, and she has her sons to thank. She also has would-be rap-star Elton John to thank, because he played several songs that were cool a long time ago, and were no doubt featured prominently on the royal iPod that was lowered to Di’s coffin on her seven-year death anniversary. We actually heard they lowered an entire gift basket full of possibly Cheetohs, maybe wet naps, and definitely but probably not a wallet-sized picture of George Michaels’ crooked dinky-doo because she wanted him so bad once. We heard it leans left.

Elton John though, he sang his sweaty heart out in the name of Diana’s zombified corpse, and what did he get to show for it? A mandatory 50-yard walk - what the crap, right? The man was pissed. The strut was enforced because in preparation for the princes’ arrival, vehicles were not allowed past a certain point. Elt-dog tore into the uncaring cop:

"Get out of my fucking way! Don't you know who I am? I've been working all fucking day and I need to get to my fucking dressing room." 

As the story goes, John eventually got out of the car and stomped to his destination screaming for people to get out of his way. The weird immature rant may or may not have come to an end once his hand reached the 30-gallon candy jar centred on the green-room coffee table.  We heard it was full of juji fruits. 

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Elton John Has Another Sh*t Fit – The Bosh