Wait A Minute, Someone From The Hills Knows How To Write?

Generally speaking, the cast of The Hills are such a bundle of obnoxiously overprivileged mimsies that they seem incapable of wiping their own bottoms by themselves.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Lauren Conrad. True, she might spend her entire life trapped in an oblivious richie rich bubble - a bubble that most sane people would like to take a flaming cricket bat to - but you can’t say that Lauren Conrad doesn’t possess basic English skills.

That’s because Lauren Conrad has just signed up to write three young adult fiction books that she totally would have been asked to write anyway even if she wasn’t on TV all the poxy time. We don’t know about you, but we think that these Lauren Conrad books are going to be the best young adult fiction books written by a woman we’ve never heard of from a TV show that we actively dislike ever. Yay for books!

Appearing on The Hills can be an amazing career platform that allows you to do anything you want. Audrina Patridge, for example, managed to become a nudey model after being on The Hills, while Spencer Pratt was able to realise his dreams of becoming a professional bell-end.

And then there’s Lauren Conrad. Although originally the reason why people watched The Hills, recently Lauren Conrad has been losing ground to Heidi Montag - a woman so astoundingly obnoxious that the reason she’s even allowed to be on TV is so that frustrated male viewers can have a conduit to safely live out their most disturbing domestic violence fantasies without hurting anyone they love.

And that’s why Lauren Conrad is branching out into the world of publishing. According to reports, Lauren Conrad has signed a three-book deal with HarperCollins.

There’s nothing wrong with that at all - Lauren seems like an imaginative enough girl, and we’re sure that whatever she comes up with won’t just be a lazy semi-autobiographical dirge that most people could normally wank out in 45 minutes. The New York Daily News reports:

Conrad’s young adult fiction series, titled “LA Candy,” is loosely based on the 22-year-old’s transition from regular gal to recognizable face. “I’ve always loved books that I could lose myself in, ones that would transport me to another place.”

OK, two things. Firstly Lauren, they’re not books you’re describing, they’re cruise ships. Secondly, these books sound like the worst idea ever. Even worse than Kylie’s semi-autobiographical dirge. Even worse than Geri Halliwell’s semi-autobiographical dirge, perhaps, and that’s not something we say lightly.

Because, really, who’s going to read your books, Lauren Conrad? Intelligent people won’t read them because by definition none of them watch The Hills, and people who watch The Hills won’t because none of them can read.

A book’s hardly going to appeal to them, is it? Come back when you’ve brought out something that can hold their attention better, like a DVD of you dancing around with a bit of shiny paper and going “ooh ooh ooh” or something.