Ah. It’s the most wonderful time of the year again. The time when arse-brained hormone-slaves dredge out their unwarranted sentiment and spew it across the media like a big heart-shaped pus discharge.

Example: Channel Four’s 100 Greatest Tearjerkers. A Christ-numbingly bad compilation which just goes to show that the British Viewing Public has all the emotional sophisication of a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl screaming over ‘DUUUNNNNCAAAANNNN!!!!!’ from Blue.

Beaches. ET. Terms Of Endearment. Ghost. These were all in the Top Ten. These films. Not Shoah (nine-hour film about Holocaust Survivors that everybody on the planet should see). Not Little Bobby Kennedy saluting his dear dead dad. But Patrick Swayze pissing around on a Potter’s wheel? That’s how to make the proles get ‘weepy’.

Of course E.T is heartbreaking. Of course it is. Right? It isn’t just the directorial work of an emotional cripple who longs to be a child and couldn’t handle a female character if the salvation of humanity depended on it. Right? Because every other compilation show says so. 100 Greatest Recieved Opinions, anyone?