The MTV VMAs always excite – they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today.

Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that’s basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual.

Except this year’s MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by ‘business as usual’ we mean ‘tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish’.

Last year’s MTV VMA show was, by all accounts, a bit of a failure. Russell Brand, the host, managed to alienate swathes of viewers and some of the winners within seconds of setting foot onstage, and the big winner of the night was Britney Spears, a barely-comprehensible blonde lunatic who’d just released a woeful sort-of electronic pop album and was probably most famous for her gross inability to keep her clothes on in public.

It was rubbish. But at least the MTV VMA organisers know better than to make that same mistake again, which is why this year’s MTV VMAs will be hosted by, um, Russell Brand. And, judging by the VMA nominations, the biggest winner of the night looks set to be, er, Lady Gaga, a barely-comprehensible blonde lunatic who’s just released a woeful sort-of electronic pop album and is probably most famous for her gross inability to keep her clothes on in public.

Great, nice one MTV.

But anyway, although Lady Gaga has somehow managed to pick up nine MTV VMA nominations – including Video Of The Year, Best Female Video, Best Cinematography and Most Conspicuous Adam’s Apple On A Female Pop Star – she’s not the only nominee. Beyonce has also picked up nine VMA nominations, mostly for Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It). And, as UPI reports, she sounds quite pleased about it:

“I’m excited and honored to be tied for most-nominated for the VMAs,” Beyonce said in a statement. “I’ve been blessed this year to have ‘Single Ladies’ become a video people really connected with and responded to. I’ve spent so much time watching all the great versions people created all around the world. It’s beautiful to feel you touch people and bring a song to life with a video.”

‘Connected with’ and ‘responded to’ obviously being pop star code for ‘felt dirty watching’ and ‘ejaculated to’. You can’t fool us, Beyonce.

But anyway, Lady Gaga and Beyonce aren’t guaranteed to win all of the awards they’ve been nominated for – Britney Spears got seven VMA nominations, while Kanye West, Eminem and Coldplay each picked up four. Green Day picked up three nominations – presumably all for Most Dreary, Self-Important And Disappointingly Middle-Aged Album – and Jay-Z picked up two.

We’ll find out who’ll emerge triumphant when the MTV VMAs are broadcast next month. Or to be more specific, since the show will feature performances by Pink, Green Day and Taylor Swift, we’ll find out who emerged triumphant the following day by reading a list of winners on the internet. Seriously, Taylor Swift? We’re not mental.

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