Picture the scene. A grotty bed somewhere, filled ably by a naked Vince Vaughn. Beneath him, somewhere, is a woman covered in a thin film of Vaughn’s sweat. She stares him in the eye, clenching her teeth as he rides her like a stolen moped. All the while, Vaughn mugs to a nearby mirror. He ejaculates and yells “I’m the hilarious Vince Vaughn!” And lo! A child was born!
That’s right. Astounding idiots have sex. Rich idiots probably have so much sex that they need a special ointment to treat genital blisters. And of course, they have children too and Vince Vaughn has become a father for the first time.
Vaughn’s soon-to-be long-suffering wife, Kyla Weber, gave birth to a baby girl in Chicago on Saturday. In true celebrity fashion, they have chosen a ridiculous name for their new faeces factory (that’s all babies are initially, eh?) – Locklyn Kyla Vaughn.
A family friend, who values a quick buck more than the privacy of their obviously close friends, said:
“Both of them couldn’t be happier to welcome their sweet little girl into their family!”
That’s a given right? Wouldn’t it be more fun if a ‘close friend’ came out and said:
“To be honest, everyone concerned is pretty depressed. When that… thing… came out, everyone started to dry-heave. It got so bad that the doctor tried to kick the child back up the mother. This baby is so hideous that they’ve decided that they’re not going to bother giving it a name, although, the nickname ‘Prolapse’ is being chucked around at the moment. This whole thing is one sorry mistake.”
Imagine reading that. Much more interesting that the usual ‘everyone couldn’t be more thrilled’ and ‘its a new start for everyone!’ rubbish.
Vince, who once dated Jennifer Aniston (which probably meant that he spent huge chunks of his free time mopping up tears and trying to get mascara stains out of expensive tops), married real estate agent Kyla in January in Chicago. Apparently, the nups took place in an “opulent, historic house at Lake Forest Academy”.
But you couldn’t give two shits about that, eh?
He’s clearly in love though. He once said:
“I figured this is not a ship to be missed because I will not forget this date. So Valentine’s Day was the day that I asked her.”
“She makes me laugh. She is wonderful. I’m just thrilled.”
She makes him laugh. Awww! In fairness, Vince Vaughn strikes us as the kind of man who could point and laugh at a dog that farted in its sleep, so it’s not the greatest compliment in the world.
Still, our thoughts are with the mother because she’s probably been robbed of her figure and set for months of dry, cracked nipples. Oh, and she has to live with Vince Vaughn.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
She’ll be one impossibly tall, homely girl – if she’s anything like dad.
Congratulations Vince, you are going to be a great Dad! These are going to be the best years of your life! Have fun and enjoy it!!!
Haha, yeah. Vince Vaughn makes a great dad like dick Nixon made a good prez. Sorry to hear of the d-bag spawn. Did he, true to his typical fratchild image, roofie the doomed chick to get his rotting mannered inside her with a magical couple of pumpz ?