Who is more fashionable than a Spice Girl? Nobody. Except you, that is, but we don’t mean now.  Now you’re wearing stained sweatpants and have potato chips crumbled down the front of your tattered AC/DC 1988 world tour T-shirt.

Soon you will be just as chic as Posh Spice, the sultriest Spice Girl who’s now better known as Victoria Beckham. Though the ladies of spice have been done since 2000, Posh hasn’t forgotten her fans. In fact, she’s now taken it upon herself to help them look less stupid than ever.

And she’s done this by issuing a personal list of things a girl can do to always look like a star. Here’s your only hint: cameltoes not included.

Everyone remembers the Spice Girls (CDs). They were the super-famous girlgroup from the mid to late nineties who were so hot in their videos,
but in real life, not so much. Except Posh, that is. Oh she was hot.
Our grandmother embroidered Vic’s famous face onto our bath
towel, and then she bled to death from her fingertips  That’s what she
gets for knitting without a thimble. Her last living act was a
testimony to her skill though, as Posh always looked so hot hanging on
that rusty towel rack, and right up until her face disappeared in the
soap scum too. We never washed it because we didn’t want her cherry
lips to discolour.

The point here being Posh was always the hot one, and now she’s
ready to pass that hotness onto you. Simmer down boys, you’ll get your
chance. This one’s special for the ladies. hecklerspray’s loose
interpretations of the Lady Beckham’s fashion pointers are:

-Never leave home without your sunglasses
-Shop all over the world
-Visualise your overall look
-When you feel fat, wear a jumper dress
-Always accessorise
-Invest in classic pieces that will always be fashionable
-Customise your clothes with scissors
-Dress from the inside out, underwear should be comfortable not pretty
-Ask the opinion of non-blind people you trust before stepping out
-Don’t show too much skin, leave it to the imagination

Now ladies, if you try all this and your level of attractiveness
increases exponentially, promptly embroider your face onto a plush
flesh-coloured bath towel and send it to us here at the h-spray using
our usual office address:

hecklerspray
C/O House of Commons
Westminster
London
SW1A 0AA

Trust us, it’ll get here. Now for you fellows, we know Posh seems
to have ignored you entirely, and even if she hadn’t, she just would
have told you to always wear soccer shorts. But we’re stepping up for
you with a list of our own, follow it and know the truest extent of the
word Stud:

-Don’t actually learn karate, but tell girls you want to so you
could kick this close to their face. It’s the danger factor, they eat
it up.
-Always refer to your nads as nuts, not balls, explaining why you do it can be a great conversation opener.
-Punch
glass, then say you "don’t even care" and let the blood drip on your
shoes, then say you’ve a stereotypical blood born illness. As she runs
away screaming your souls will intertwine.

But that’s all we’re gonna give you. We know, we know, you got left
hanging. The truth is, we just don’t want our secretest secrets
published so openly on this whorish internet. If you’d like more
pointers (and if you don’t, you’re weird), you’ll have to submit a
written request along with a £15 money order to:

hecklerspray
221B Baker St.
London
England

It’s well worth it, we’ve got an entire book of ‘em.*

Read more:

Victoria lays down the law on posh fashion – Independent online

[story by Shawn Lindseth]

*Don’t actually send any money, idiots