Apart from hecklerspray’s snazzy new makeover which will no doubt implode into a catastrophic mess of bile and tears, there hasn’t been much to look forward to lately.

Think about it, everyone has either read the spoilers online for Lost or had a moronic friend tell them what’s happened.

The only things worth happening are events we have to all pray for. Such as Bono losing his voice and Jordan being abducted by aliens. Something we hadn’t banked on happening was former Spice Girl and professional twiglet Victoria Beckham quitting music. And she says it’s forever!

During the mid-nineties, Britain had to primarily deal with the craze known as girl power. You couldn’t quite pick up a packet of girl power from the newsagent and swap it with your friends – instead it was seemingly forced down your throat every time you switched on the radio or TV.

Every girl could apparently relate to one of the five Spice Girls. They didn’t come in the form of cinnamon, dill, saffron, sage and pepper, though – they came labelled as something that matched their personality. Thus, Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger and Posh were all unleashed on the world.

Ironically, when the group split, Victoria was the most famous out of the lot. Thanks to scoring with David Beckham, who is quite handy with a football, her profile was dramatically elevated from ‘gormless hack’ to ‘gormless trophy wife’.

With all five members left with nothing to do, this subsequently spawned five terrible solo careers. Amazingly, none of the Spice Girls are still belting out hit after hit. That’s why we now rely on Simon Cowell to bring us disposable popstars to be vaguely interested in for a year or so. Anyone remember Leon Jackson?

Victoria Beckham unleashed the truly awful single Out Of Your Mind with the equally gash Dane Bowers. Despite a stupidly huge marketing campaign, it failed to reach number one and had to settle for number two. History kindly repeated itself when Kylie beat her to number one when Victoria released the single Not Such An Innocent Girl.

Clearly taking the hint, the singing career has been shelved but not completely confirmed as dead and thankfully buried. Thankfully we can all crack open the bottles of Blue Nun we’ve left gathering dust and enjoy a platter of pineapple and sausages on sticks. Victoria has issued the following statement:

“I’m never going to sing again. I am a fashion designer now.”

Yessssssssssssss! With that news, hopefully more piss poor artists will follow soon. Does anyone have the numbers of Daniel Bedingfield and Craig David? They’re long overdue to enter the musical cemetery and are just avoiding their place alongside Steps and All Saints.

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