Victoria Beckham: Boo Hoo Hoo, It’s So Difficult Being Me

There are two reasons why celebrities don't often complain about their lives: 1) because their lives are brilliant and 2) because it makes them look like twats if they do.

Victoria Beckham clearly wasn't sent this particular memo, though, because she's on the front cover of Vogue this month complaining about how tough it is to be her, what with all the money and fame and jewels and whatnot. 

Victoria Beckham does have a point, of course - remove the giant LA mansion and husband who earns close to a million dollars a week and what are you left with? A scrawny orange twig with a speaking voice like a narcoleptic hairdresser and a face that looks like it was caught in a lift. So on this basis, yes, Victoria Beckham has got plenty to whinge about.

Some people look at Victoria Beckham and think she's got it all - a rich husband, a nice house, enough money to call her kids whatever ridiculous name she pleases without worrying that they'll have the shit booted out of them at school for it, a singing voice so weak that she effectively got paid millions of quid for doing bugger-all during the Spice Girls reunion concerts, two fake tits that look like veiny grapefruit that have been left on a radiator - but they'll never know the torment that goes with being Victoria Beckham.  

Scratch the surface of Victoria Beckham - although don't scratch too hard; she's very thin and you might poke right through the middle - and you'll be confronted with such a bleak picture of unending misery and profound human suffering that you'll wonder why Joy Division never made a concept album about her.

After all, Victoria's much-vaunted American television career died before it even started, her best friend is Katie Holmes - a woman who seems to be made of wires - and there's a very good chance that her husband had sex with a woman who masturbates pigs for a living. Speaking of pigs, there's a gang of them constantly hanging around Los Angeles, just waiting to chase Victoria Beckham around.

Now do you think that Victoria Beckham has got a tough life? No? Us neither to be honest, but that hasn't stopped Victoria Beckham from appearing on the front of this month's Vogue gnashing and wailing about how shit her life is like some sort of wizened biblical plague-carrier screaming at the foot of an erupting volcano. OK quotes:

“It’s tough being a pop star and a footballer’s wife. I’m aware of people’s preconceptions. For the other girls, it’s their business, but I don’t do that any more. My business is fashion… I’ve had my share of bad press and heartache and all sorts of things and it sort of kills you or makes you stronger.”

Unfortunately in this instance it seems to have made Victoria Beckham stronger.

Still, though, at least Victoria Beckham has let us know just how very terrible her life is. And, as consumers in this celebrity-driven age, we'll just have to live with what we've done to her. At least until the next time she poses for the front cover of a leading glossy fashion magazine covered in diamonds to explain all the other ways that she's worse off than we are.

Read more:

VICTORIA: "IT'S TOUGH BEING A POPSTAR" - OK