We couldn’t be happier Vernon Kay’s (photo) off to work in America. Chuffed isn’t the word. If they keep him there long enough we’ll have a Conservative government in place cheerfully tearing the country to pieces and he probably won’t be allowed back in.

America is happy to cough up for Kay so long as he can manage to speak English. They require him to ‘soften his Lancashire accent’. Just so they don’t get all confused and think they’ve tuned into Basrah TV by accident.

Kay’s a client of Princess Productions, and get what they have to say about him. ‘His spontaneous wit and charming accent make him a huge hit.’

There could be trouble ahead…

Here in the UK we’ve not understood a word Vernon Kay’s said for the entire time he’s been infesting our media.

If we’re lucky enough to have him on the radio we know a song’s on the way soon so there’s no need to electrocute ourselves. If he’s on the tube we can just mute the gabble and marvel at his wonderful face instead. Like a big ripe plum with hair. Such pretty hair too. Though we’re no sure if it’s supposed to make girls jealous.

NBC recently threw £400,000 into a giant blender by signing Kay to present Hit Me Baby One More Time in La-La land.

The Bolton gormbag’s new job is covered in greater detail here. We encourage you to read this article because it might help you get your head round what we’ve just said.

That’s nearly half a million quid…for Vernon Kay.

We paid less for those Diana autopsy photos. And they were fake.