Hey perverts! Want to see Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical dressed up as Santa, spouting filthy nonsense and humping a man?
Well you can't because – contrary to rumours – the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape does not exist.
That's right, there is no Vanessa Hudgens sex tape, so you'll never get to see what Vanessa Hudgens looks like when she's having sex. Unless, you know, you carefully print and cut out all those naked Vanessa Hudgens pictures from the internet, stick naked pictures of yourself next to them and make a sort of ramshackle flick-book with them. That kind of works.
Ahem. We heard.
Now that Miley Cyrus has been exposed as a seatbelt-shunning bitch from hell, people have started to forget about the Tween Scene's original scandalbasket, Vanessa Hudgens. And that's terrible, because when 18-year-old girls from wholesome teenage musicals with deliberate moral centres take naked photos of themselves that accidentally get onto the internet – and then they quickly follow them up with some vaguely lesbian photos – it should be applauded, not condemned as filth.
But try telling that to Disney, which nearly dropped Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical 3 until it had a change of heart and tentatively signed Vanessa up for the movie. However, word quickly got around recently that High School Musical 3 wasn't the only movie that Vanessa Hudgens would be in – there was also the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape movie.
According to reports, the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape featured Vanessa spread-eagled naked in front of a Christmas tree saying preposterous double-entendres like:
"I want Santa to come up my chimney because I've been a good little girl this year".
Chimney? Chimney? Because it's made of brick and twice a year you pay a dirty-faced cockney urchin to shove an extendable brush up there? That doesn't make any sense.
But of course it doesn't make any sense, because Vanessa Hudgens didn't actually say that. And she didn't say it because the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape doesn't exist. The story originally appeared last September on barely-read, fractionally amusing Onion rip-off website Pugbus, as Portable Planet reports:
There are multiple reports that she made a naughty tape the day she took those photo as well. Ick. There’s only one little problem. It’s completely untrue. The story actually originated last year Postcards from the Pug Bus, which is a satire website. The Vanessa Hudgens “quote” comes from their 100% made-up story… The bottom of the each page of the website reads: “The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of thing seriously.”
Sorry perverts, if you want to see a Vanessa Hudgens sex tape you're going to have to wait until her career dries up and she's reduced to doing tawdry porn shoots in rented motel rooms for $50 a throw, just like the rest of us have to.
But still, if we can't see a real Vanessa Hudgens sex tape, then maybe this imaginary Vanessa Hudgens sex tape will be the next best thing. Imagine that, a sex tape that doesn't actually exist.
God, if only Gene Simmons had that idea first.
Read more:
Debunked: High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens Naughty Tape Doesn’t Exist – Portable Planet
jamie-leigh says
ew vannesa you little slag i would never do something like that how did this get out ew your are decustin i feel sick i dint evan know you was like that you descust me+o(
taylor steffens says
Hey Vanessa, i dnt no if those tapes R really real but what i do no is that the public is very nosy i’m a girl, i understand. But even if you did that to zac and took nude pics of yourself they could of not been for public eye but some how someone got a hold of it. i’m a very good person for advice
taylor steffens says
does no one hear of this website? so far there’s only two comments well plus this one there’s three
love you vanessa
taylor steffens says
vanessa i feel your pain, i’m only 12 years old and already had my baby, her name is lila mary anne,i had her so early she might not live,i just hope you didn’y make the same mistake i did, i didn’t make my man where a condom
Lila Mary anne says
are you serious?
Wow,
did you actually get pregenant at the
age of 12? wow, thats so stupid.
why would you be so horny when your so young?
“i didnt make my man wear a condom”
how stupid are you? and you said that you give GOOD
advice? instead of giving advice take your own.
Stephanie Arnolds says
your a bitch some people make mistakes! y dont u stick ur comments up ur ass n dont judge anybody… judge urself if u wanna judge somebody!
i hate retards says
i agree with the second person, what dumbass gets pregnant at 12 and says the give good advice she’s so hipicritical, and stephanie, your probably a slutty whore who did the same. Fucking bitch
ze says
“i
Nutz says
Damn had my hopes up with this tape.
Phil Maggitti says
Hey Guy,
Can’t a poor satirist get a break? Fractionally amusing? The New York Times said my site was consistently more funny than the Onion.
Cheers,
Phil Maggitti
Editor in Briefs
Postcards from the Pug Bus
varcitygeekxd says
ummm so i know how it feels
to get ur naked pix found :b
and i got a real big talk
from EVERY1 :O
but im neva gona do dat again
coz yu shuldve seen hw many
ppl were callin meh a
slut nd hor and shit
but im not actually like
that sure ppl take nudes
but dnt judge thm 4 sumthin
they not ppl thinkin they sum
slutty bitch coz their not
at least i hope not…..
yea NE ways ppl dnt judge her
lyk that only judge if youve
met her nd she really is!!!!
sincerely varcity :p
varcitygeekxd says
mate your so right!!!!
varcitygeekxd says
Nutz December 14, 2009 at 9:41 am
Damn had my hopes up with this tape.
AYOOO didnt everyone???? lol xD
nd uh stefen wateva wat kind of kid gets
preggy t dat frigin age??? im not gonna judge or
NEthin but didnt yew lyk think about
it or did yew jst wana do it cz evry1 was doin
it??? BTW hahahaha mate im worst i lost mine
on my tenth b-day nd do not do it that young lol
dnt judge me either!!!!!!!
sincerely varcity xp
yyounonaked says
lol this is funny but vanessa yunonaked
Loc says
A mistake? AT 12? What the hell ever. A mistake is forgetting to put a coat on. Forgetting to pay a bill. Not making your “man wear a condom” isn’t a mistake it’s irresponsible. She shouldn’t be having sex at 12 much less babies….