We were just trying to think what our favourite Vanessa Carlton song was. And you know what? It took ages.
We just couldn’t decide. Admittedly that’s largely because we only vaguely remembered who Vanessa Carlton was and, because our knowledge of piano-based female balladeers who haven’t really been famous for eight years isn’t particularly great, we went back and listened to as many Vanessa Carlton songs as we possibly could so that our decision would be as informed as possible. It turns out we don’t have a favourite Vanessa Carlton song – they’re all equally as insipid and dreary as each other.
Anyway, Vanessa Carlton is bisexual. That’s probably what we should have opened with, in retrospect. Whoops.
We’re in pieces here. First Chely Wright and now Vanessa Carlton – suddenly it seems like every singer in the world that we’ve either never heard of or had long forgotten about wants to declare just how sexually incompatible they are with us. Who next? The short one from that band? Some French one? When oh when will the misery end?
But back to Vanessa Carlton. Despite having no real impact on the world of music since that plinky-plonky song from 2002 that we vaguely remember made us want to drive screwdrivers into our ears, Vanessa Carlton is apparently still alive and open to opportunity. Open to every opportunity, in fact, because she’s just told a crowd in Nashville that she’s secretly been bisexual all along. The Boston Herald reports:
Vanessa Carlton told a crowd of about 18,000 people at the Nashville Pride Festival that she’s bisexual. “I’ve never said this before, but I am a proud bisexual woman,” the 29-year-old “A Thousand Miles” songstress told the audience as she hit the stage at the music festival in Tennessee.
It was very brave of Vanessa Carlton to admit that and everything, but she’s on a slippery slope. Sure, you might be able to gain a bit of attention with an announcement like that, but what do you do when that evaporates? That’s right, you have to announce that you’re fully lesbian. And then that you’re an amputee. Unless she’s careful, before Vanessa Carlton knows it she’ll find herself onstage one day telling people that she’s part-robot, that her hair is made of spoons and that she’s found true love with a half-eaten pot of Ambrosia Custard. Mark our words, Vanessa. You wouldn’t be the first.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
This is SO rude! First of all, your news report is lame as well as offending to the artist mentioned. You bitches know who she is, because you are making a article about her! DUH! Go fuck yourself over a desk! Vanessa has made many beautiful ballads such as “Ordinary Day”, “Twilight”, and many more. You are just jealous because she is out there doing what YOU could probably NEVER do. Besides, when you think about a star, you should really just be thinking about the music they make. Not their vidoes, or sexual preference. Compare a Vanessa song to a Lady Gaga song bitches and see who REALLY wins. FUCK YOU WHOEVER MADE THIS ARTICLE!!!!
“suddenly it seems like every singer in the world that we’ve either never heard of or had long forgotten about wants to declare just how sexually incompatible they are with us.”
Now your whiny incoherence makes sense, you’re just plain offended by bi sexual women. Because they are according to you “sexually incompatible they are with us”. I think you are confused Stuart, your thinking of lesbians. She has obviously dated guys before, anyone capable of doing a Google search would know that she dated John Mayer and Stephan Jenkins.
Not that she’d even date a classless parasite like yourself which is probably the real issue you are coming down so hard on her for. Got a little bit of a personal anxiety issue there don’t you Stuart?
You know what’s worse than self absorbed celebs Stuart? People who write nasty things about them (that frankly don’t make a lot of sense) for a living. You truly must have a miserable life. It makes me wonder, were you one of the boys who made fun of girls in Junior High because you were attracted to them?
Anyway, find something more useful to do with your life, your wasting food, water ad oxygen that could be better utilized by someone who doesn’t have stick stuck up their rear end.
Why the hell are you doing that article if it is only to say that an actually TALENTED artist is worth shit?! That’s rude and useless. Vanessa Carlton may not be as famous as Lady GaGa, Adam Lambert, Ke$ha, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and I could continue the list, but at least you can feel HEART and PASSION and TRUTH in her music. And ever emotion that you could feel in your life, she has a song for it. Dark thoughts? The Wreckage. In love? A Thousand Miles. Encouraged? Heroes and Thieves. Rebellious? Nolita Fairytales… And three, almost four amazing CDs like that. You think Lady GaGa would write some things like that? Dammit, music has gone to the shits in the last 10 years because people don’t even bother writing and playing and singing without changing their voices… And everything is just Fake. FAKE, FAKE, FAKE! Fuck those who think Carlton doesn’t have any good songs. She should be a legend! Seriously, do you really want Justin Bieber’s totally commercial talent to be the future?! Hell no. So stop saying Vanessa Carlton is nothing; she is what they should all be.
This is truly sad. If you don’t enjoy her music then fine, you don’t have to tarnish her name, and judge her. I agree with the person who said an artist (or anyone for that matter) shouldn’t be judged by their sexuality, or how famous they are. It’s about the songs they sing and what they leave in our hearts. Many people happen to think she is a beaautiful and very talented singer. It’s usually the singers who aren’t the most famous, like Alexz Johnson, that are the best. You should be ashamed, I am not going to cuss you out for making a useless article, but, I am going to tell you that you have absolutely no place to talk trash about a person you know nothing about. All you know is what the media tells you. Which 99% of the time is a lie. Re read what you’ve written and seriously think to yourself. How would you feel if you were in her place. How would you feel if you were confused like she is, and how would you feel if you had to walk a “Thousand Miles” in her shoes.
“declare just how sexually incompatible they are with us”
Unless I am mistaken, bi people are sexually compatible with everybody, unless….
I don’t even want to know what wrote this article.