Sometimes it can seem like the hardest thing in the world to get four old men to play bad-haired, leotard-wearing widdly-widdly-woo hard rock music together.
That's certainly the case with Van Halen. After more messily aborted reunions than you could ever wish for, Van Halen finally hit the road in September to play their bad-haired, leotard-wearing widdly-widdly-woo hard rock music to as many middle-aged bad-haired nostalgia freaks as the possibly could.
Except it couldn't last and, with crushing inevitability, the rest of the Van Halen reunion tour has been scrapped; either forever or until the band feels the need to demonstrate its innate lack of personal and organisation skills in public again.
You know why bands split up? It's because they hate each other. And you know why bands reform? It's because they're greedy. And if you put a bunch of greedy people who hate each other on a stage and ask them to work together, it'll inevitably end in tears. It happened with the Spice Girls reunion just a couple of weeks ago, and it's happened with Van Halen so often that we can't be bothered to count any more.
Van Halen is a band so opposed to getting along that it's been through four singers and a couple of bassists in its time. But to its fans, the classic Van Halen line-up was Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen, Michael Anthony and David Lee Roth. Two years ago a tour by that classic Van Halen was promised, but it didn't happen because they decided to replace Anthony with a boy called Wolfgang and Eddie Van Halen kept getting wankered on all the booze.
However, once he sorted himself out, Van Halen actually managed to properly reform – albeit with Wolfgang in tow – for their long-promised tour last September. And they were strong – playing their one song that everyone knows and some others night after night so well that not even an actual natural disaster could halt them.
Until now. The Van Halen reunion is off and, as UPI reports, it might be because Eddie's found the keys to the drinks cabinet again:
Although performances were lined up through April 19, TMZ.com cited unnamed sources as saying the band's hotel reservations are being canceled now that the rest of the tour has been scrapped. The band's last three shows were canceled as Eddie Van Halen is said to be having "issues," the report said. The rock icon, who spent time in rehab last year, has been in media headlines the last few weeks because his ex-wife, actress Valerie Bertinelli, is making the rounds to promote her new tell-all memoir.
Yes, there's nothing to turn a man to drink like a book by his ex-wife about how much he used to drink. But at least Eddie Van Halen's 'issues' didn't kick in for five months after the tour started, meaning that thousands of people got to hear Jump and then a bunch of other stuff that they jigged around to and pretended they knew so as not to let the band's feelings down.
And, if an alcoholic relapse did bring about this tour cancellation, then we wish Eddie Van Halen the speediest of recoveries, and hop he gets back to scheduling and then cancelling tour dates as soon as possible.
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Tom Anderson says
What a sad little hateful man you must be, Stuart. I’m glad you have no “issues” and are perfect in every way.
Dan Mazur says
You don’t know much about rock music do you?
:::::But at least Eddie Van Halen’s ‘issues’ didn’t kick in for five months after the tour started, meaning that thousands of people got to hear Jump and then a bunch of other stuff that they jigged around to and pretended they knew so as not to let the band’s feelings down.::::
You think people pay 70-150 dollars (or more in some cases) to come and see one song and then jig around to a bunch of songs they don’t know? I’m sure a band that has sold over 80 million records in its existence has only one song that people know……
The Dread Pirate Sausage says
Ruthless. I love it.
I would be hitting the sauce REALLY hard if my ex was as fine at 100 years old as Valerie Bertinelli is. To rub it in, she was hot FAT!! Now she’s looking like a model. whew. I’d be bent like a tire iron on stage with a Jack Daniel’s bottle hanging out of my ass and a tshirt that said, “WHAT WAS I THINKING??”