Uwe Boll Wants You To Beat Him Up

It's become something of a trend lately for critics to savage any movie directed by Uwe Boll. This is for a good reason - all his films are useless - but now Uwe Boll wants to get his own back.

If reports are true, then Uwe Boll is inviting his critics to put their money where their mouth is, or rather their fists where their mouth is, or their fists where… we've lost ourselves. Anyway, Uwe Boll wants to have a run of boxing matches against his critics. Genuinely. It's going in his new film and everything.

There's a saying that says God loves a trier, but if God ever met Uwe Boll, he'd probably change his mind and write a new saying along the lines of God thinks triers should probably think about a career change. Because Uwe Boll has almost perfected the art of the unwatchable film. Alone In The Dark, House Of The Dead and Bloodrayne are honestly some of the worst films you'll see. The fact that all these films were based on videogames might have something to do with it - since scientifically there's no such thing as a non-rubbish videogame movie - but Uwe Boll has mangled the form into new shapes more cack-awful than anyone could possibly imagine.

One of the next Uwe Boll films will be a remake of Postal, a game so violent that it's illegal in New Zealand. Boll was already excited by making a Postal movie, saying:

"I see it like a mirror for our society – funny, violent, absurd! So then the movie must be powerful, strange, and so full of the game’s political incorrect outrageousness that if we do it correct, we will all probably end up in jail!" 

But now he's stumbled across a new plan that might just push Postal into the realm of the classics - he's going to beat up his critics. In his own film. According to Ain't It Cool:

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the Internet or have written in magazines/newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered. 

If successful, who's to say that this critic-fighting malarkey won't take off. If it does, and Elton John decides to have a pop, we're not in, OK?

Read more:

Do you wanna go POSTAL on Uwe Boll? - Ain't It Cool

[story by Stuart Heritage]