Uwe Boll Beats Up Four Critics In Boxing Ring

When's the last time you saw a movie that didn't suck? Flight Of The Navigator maybe? The Journey of Natty Gan perhaps?  

Who really knows? Making a good movie must really be hard though, because they are incredibly rare - but you can't say that because directors are a sensitive lot. A sensitive lot that'll hit you in the head with a shovel then staple your face shut the first chance they get. This is evidenced by German director Uwe Boll, who recently beat the daylights out of four harsh film critics virtually simultaneously. In a boxing ring.

With that in mind (and to answer our first question up there), every single film ever made by Boll were the most recent ones not to suck - and that includes home videos.   

Seriously, we're watching one now. Hey - Uwe Boll's kid doesn't wanna eat his beans again! Now that we never saw coming!!

Uwe Boll recently directed the film BloodRayne - a vampire movie with an incredibly intricate, well thought-out plot that kept every person who saw it absolutely riveted to their seat forever. Some foolhardy blind & deaf critics must have panned it though, because Boll was up in arms. He challenged every single neigh-saying critic to a fight, and fifteen threw their hats in the ring.

The first critic to be literally knocked out by Boll was Richard Kyanka, webmaster of somethingawful.com. He was knocked out in the first round. Jeff Sneider, a critic with Ain't It Cool News remained conscious the whole time, but did lose in a technical knockout. He wasn't happy with Boll, and felt tricked about the whole thing. He claimed to have been told it'd be some sort of a light hearted PR event. It definitely wasn't. Sneider said:

"Then he started beating the crap out of my head. I think he's a jerk. This might be PR but I dont want to keep getting punched in the head."

Then came another total knockout - with special effects.  Chris Alexander filled his mouth with fake blood before the bout, and spit it out during a brutal head beating. Apparently, he got no mercy out of it. Then Boll beat up a minor. Nelson Mintner, a 17-year-old critic from Maryland, also succumbed to a technical knockout.
Boll loved it, and he loved his enemies that showed up for the public walloping. He raved:

"I like now the critics. Everybody who was in the ring showed balls. Nobody dived. If they write about my movies without even seeing the movies then its really annoying. If you make a movie like House of the Dead, a zombie movie, what are they expecting? Schindlers List?"

Well Mr. Boll, your brilliant-ness, your movies are fantastic, exuberant, and full-fledged celebrations of life. That's right, hecklerspray's a huge fan. Yo mama, on the other hand, has an extremely limited vocabulary, sandpaper fingertips, and looks a little like an inside-out turnip. If you want to physically lambast us, please wait until after your next movie: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.

Seriously, we already got tickets.

Read more:

Uwe Boll Kicks Crap Out Of Critics - Cinema Blend

[story by Shawn Lindseth]