Useless Old Madonna Film To Become Probably Useless Musical

Remember Desperately Seeking Susan, the 22-year-old Madonna film about a woman pretending to be Madonna until she realises how rubbish it is to be Madonna? Yeah, someone's decided to make a musical out of it.

Desperately Seeking Susan is being turned into one of those awful artistically-bankrupt stage musicals where as many of one artist's songs are shoehorned into an absurdly loose plot as possible. You're expecting us to say that Madonna's songs will be used in the Desperately Seeking Susan musical, aren't you? Well you're wrong - the Desperately Seeking Susan West End musical will feature music and lyrics by Blondie. Yes, we admit that it seems like a strange fit at first, but trust us - the scene where Susan randomly decides see if she can hang on a telephone only to suddenly burst into song about it is simply spine-tingling.

Although the music industry says that illegal downloading is the reason why CD sales are in the doldrums, it's more likely that nobody buys CDs any more because it's much more fun to go and see a musical based on a bunch of pop songs. For instance, would you rather listen to the boring old definitive version of Don't Stop Me Now by Queen in a car on the way to work, or would you prefer to pay £40 to see a bunch of drama school graduates belt out a weirdly sterile version of the same song as part of a futuristic musical set in space that Ben Elton wrote? Musical every time, right? Right? Hello?

OK, we'll admit it - musicals based on pop songs are awful. We know it, you know - we suspect that even Ben Elton knows it deep down - and yet the bastards keep getting made. There was a musical based on Bob Dylan songs that was rubbish and closed down early, a Talking Heads musical about Imelda Marcos, an Elton John musical about vampires, a Johnny Cash musical and, so help us god, a forthcoming David Hasselhoff musical. Honestly, who sits at home and thinks "I know, I'll go and see that musical about council estates based on the work of The Proclaimers"? Probably the same people who'll go and see the Mamma Mia film. People, in short, who we don't ever want to meet.

And now comes Desperately Seeking Susan, an adaptation of the old Madonna film based on the music of Blondie. Yes, people are expected to go and watch it, now you come to mention it. The Times reports:

Mark Rubinstein, one of the producers of the musical, said: "It's going to be all Blondie songs. "It sets the world before Madonna, when there was Debbie Harry and Blondie. She's from that world and that time. Moment of Truth (the new song) is different." Susan Gallin, the originating producer, said: "It will be very close to the movie. "The story is universal. It's a quirky, off-beat movie about women who change their lives and end up with the lives that they were meant to have. I asked Debbie if I could send her the treatment, that was a Friday, and by Monday she called and said 'it's great, I love it. Let's do it'. She just loved the idea."

We're just guessing here, but we'd imagine that the Blondie Desperately Seeking Susan musical will feature at least two of the following: 1) Susan walking into a bar named Atomic and deciding to sing a song about it. 2) Susan going to the hospital only to be told her heart is literally made of glass by a singing doctor. 3) Susan going cockfighting and singing Rip Her To Shreds as a sort of poultry-based pep talk. 4) Susan going to the seaside and noticing that the tide appears to be fairly high.

It goes without saying that we're probably not going to see this Blondie Desperately Seeking Susan musical when it opens, purely because Desperately Seeking Susan isn't our favourite Madonna film. We're waiting for the musical based on Body Of Evidence to come out, especially if it's inspired by the work of Chico out of X Factor. Really, who wouldn't want to see a sexually-charged lawyer perform cunnilingus on a female murderer on the bonnet of a car while simultaneously trying to belt out It's Chico Time surrounded by breakdancing children, after all.

Even better, why doesn't Madonna write a musical about her life, complete with brand new songs? It'd be sure to be a money-spinner, especially when you think it'd probably feature songs like I Hate Jesus, I Only Shit Through Toilet Seats Once and I Wasn't Very Good At Live Earth.

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Desperately Seeking Susan To Be Turned Into A Musical - Times