Want an extra-special hecklerspray tip? Never, ever, under any circumstances attempt to watch anything with Vernon Kay in it whilst under the influence of mind-altering drugs. Looking into those vacant, ain’t-no-one-home glazed eyes of his is like staring into some mad infinite void. One flash of his gormless grin and the utter futility of the human condition is stretched out before you.

Or something.

All of which is precusor to the following terrifying fact: that Kay – a man so bland you could punch him and your fist would pass right through – is all set to take on America ….

Kay,  has somehow managed to secure himself a £400,000 deal to present ‘career-reviving’ show Hit Me Baby One More Time on the other side of the Atlantic. According to daily proletarian comic The Sun, the slack-minded imbecile ‘reportedly impressed NBC bosses at his audition in LA.’

Boy. Those wacky Americans sure do please easy, don’t they?

"I’m really looking forward to it,’ Vernon beamed, ‘and I’m massively excited as I love presenting the show." Well, that’s just great, Vern. Really. But let’s not tell lies here … you’d be ‘massively excited’ if someone handed you some crayons and a nice colouring book.

Still. Things could be worse. The Americans could have been about to subject themselves to Vernon’s T4 co-presenter June Sarpong – an all-round narcoleptic dullard whose charisma level is roughly that of a three-week-old glass of water.

Make no mistake about it: Kay is bad, but Sarpong sucks. Like a vacuum cleaner. In a swamp full of vacuum cleaners. On the planet Suck. Being sucked into a big black hole into a parallel dimension where things suck ten times more than this one.

But hang on a minute … hecklerspray has just had a thought. If Vernon and other assorted non-personalities make it big in the US, then doesn’t that meet they might … well … never come back here??

Quick. Somebody get NBC on the phone. We need to think of a way to sell them Patrick Kielty, and sharpish …

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