It’s that time of the year again, where they put all of the most talented people in the world together in a room and give awards to a few of them. Oh, I’m sorry. I lied. That first sentence describes nothing that exists yet.
It is time for the Grammy’s, where hipsters get mad and people watch because suicide takes slightly more work. The Grammy’s, where the chance of finding new music is the same as the chance of Bigfoot photographing you. These are five of the most un-listenable songs that received Grammy nominations.
“Call Me Maybe” – Carly Rae Jepsen (Song of the Year)
At a certain point in my life, I would’ve argued in favor of the Planet Earth Theme Song of 2012 “Call Me Maybe.” I would’ve shown you the simplistic dance moves that I invented for it when the song comes on in the car that hilariously pantomimes the lyrics. (I mean it. Hilariously.) I would’ve argued in favor of it being catchy or it being fun. I would’ve said “No, I know it’s not good. But I like it.”
However, I just don’t know anymore.
Eventually, you become numb to things. Eventually, things are repeated so many times that your ears and brain can’t define it as good or bad. Your sense receptors become oblivious. It’s just there. I liken “Call Me Maybe’s” repetition to not having to worry about remembering to breathe. I just do it. It just happens. You don’t get annoyed when it comes on the radio and you don’t get excited either. Your nerves are simply dulled to the just met you’s and this is crazy’s, and it almost becomes expected that, at some point in the day, and sometimes at multiple points, before you came into her life, she missed you so, so bad.
The fact that “Call Me Maybe” became just another un-spectactular part of the earth’s atmosphere didn’t dissuade people from airing it over and over. I’m sure that the people who produced it imagine “Call Me Maybe” being played in the same way that Nintendo imagines their Wii’s being used. A group of people, laughing and dancing together, as they swing a modified TV remote haphazardly until something resembling tennis happens. Instead, it’s more like what actually happens when a Wii is used. A man, oblivious to the pain at this point, lazily flicking his wrist as the cartoon that looks nothing like him responds whenever it fucking wants to. He feels nothing and expects nothing. It isn’t special anymore. It simply is.
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” – Kelly Clarkson (Record of the Year)
Kelly Clarkson is the only singer who wouldn’t let winning American Idol stop her from achieving stardom. I’m not saying that the other winners pale in comparison, but if I saw them all at the mall, Kelly Clarkson is the only one who I wouldn’t ask for keys to the Old Navy fitting room from. You can argue that putting out a Christmas album that some people buy is a weird, sad kind of success, but I’m sure, if I started screaming “Chestnuts Roasting” in the middle of this Starbucks, the same amount of people who spent money on Clay Aiken’s “Merry Christmas with Love” would turn around to see what all the stupidity was about.
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” follows that awful trend of placing another piece of the song’s lyrics right beside what should actually be the title of the song. Together, they make the title, and it looks about as pleasing as “Moist Wetshit (We’ve Waited Too Long.)” I don’t know if they wrote it this way because someone might hear it and say “This isn’t overrated Kanye West!!! This is overrated Kelly Clarkson!!! Time to sue everything” or they decided that “Stronger” didn’t fit the song enough, so they had to add a part of the lyrics that came before the actual title, thus making it look less like a title and more like someone didn’t know how to use the Tab key. If other songs on this list followed this example, they’d be called “Call Me Maybe (In The Well)” and “Sexy And I Know It” (Passion In My Pants.)
“We Are Young” – Fun (Record of the Year)
“We Are Young” is the kind of song that you really like as a teenager, because they’re saying stuff, but they’re not really saying it. It includes lyrics like “My friends are in the bathroom/ getting higher than the Empire State,” and you know that that means the friends are doing drugs, but since it didn’t say that directly, it automatically makes it cool. The song is full of stuff like that. I think it’s about a guy who is watching a girl he likes get hit on by a much cooler guy, only to find someone else to go home with him, and I could be right. I don’t know though. I’m not that cool.
Along with being hip in the way it tells a story, it’s also hip in the background music that it uses. It’s got a whole choir of people singing about being young tonight, so that you’re forced to be young too, or at least feel like you’re being young. Once again, I could be wrong about this entire song. It could be about robots kidnapping all of your girlfriends, and the only one who can save them is you, as a half-robot. But that would be way too obvious.
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” – Taylor Swift (Record of the Year)
Take a moment, and think about every new song that was released in the past year. Every single one. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the newest garage band or a multi-millionaire rapper that has literally become so famous that his posse can beat up another man in parking garage and all the judge can say is “#teambreezy.” That has to be thousands of songs. And out of those thousands of songs, there has to be a decent percentage that were good and a few that were amazing.
I don’t know who picks the Grammy nominees. But at this point, their power needs to be taken away, because they’re really not using it for good anymore. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” was chosen, out of every song that was released in the past year, to be in the elite group of greatest records of the year. Most of that elite group has already been listed above, and combined, they’re all the pop music equivalent of a human centipede.
I’ve already stated my opinions on “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” You all know that “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is to break-up songs what sickle cell anemia is to the blood stream. Classifying it as “music” is like sticking a square peg into a circle hole. You might say that I’m over-reacting, but how do you explain all the deaf people whose last, non-deaf words were “Oh, fuck. It’s Taylo-.” By denying it, you’re disrespecting those people. Taylor Swift’s “Red” album has provided more work for sign-language teachers than terrible ear infections.
“Sexy And I Know It” – LMFAO (Best Pop Duo/Group Performance)
By the time I heard “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah!” I knew that civilization was on the cusp of a new sexual revolution, where all mankind would be free to shake their genitals and simply blame the need to wiggle, wiggle, yeah on confidence. However, I was wrong, because after repeated listens to “Sexy And I Know It”, I discovered that the only sexual progression that it was promoting was the successive rate of sitting on the edge of the bed, apologizing, and blaming the lack of progress on having too many shots.