What is love? It's a question that many have asked over the centuries, but that Uma Thurman's stalker has finally answered – love is drawing cartoons of yourself walking along a razorblade while Uma Thurman digs a grave for you.
Sadly, though, Uma Thurman wasn't quite as thrilled by this profound expression of spiritual devotion as Jack Jordan – Uma Thurman's stalker – probably thought she'd be. And, sadly, Jordan's plan B – writing letters threatening to kill himself should he ever see Uma Thurman with another man – only helped to repel Uma Thurman even further. And now poor old Jack Jordan has been charged with stalking, aggravated harassment and attempted coercion, and is now being held on $10,000 bail. It all goes to show that Uma Thurman just doesn't care about her stalkers, which will be a kick in the teeth for them because they're pretty much the only ones who went to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend when it was on in cinemas.
Uma Thurman just can't get no love from anybody these days. The only time we ever hear from Uma Thurman is when she's splitting up with men or splitting up with the same men or complaining that men just aren't interested in her, even though they clearly are. It's just that Uma Thurman is looking in all the wrong places. While Uma Thurman probably wants to find a nice film star or a hotelier or a financier for a boyfriend, she seems completely unaware that she'd obviously have way more luck if she sought out someone who loves her so much that his upsetting behaviour scared his own family into committing him into a mental institution. Someone, say, like Jack Jordan.
Jack Jordan is Uma Thurman's stalker, or so we're told. And he's a fairly unusual one, too, because he's shunned the grandstanding antics of other Hollywood stalkers – like trying to mow down spouses in cars or releasing songs about anal sex or throwing screwdrivers into gardens, in favour of a method much more low-key and intimate. After all, the quickest way to a woman's heart is to break into her trailer and leave her cartoons of her digging your grave, right? No? Sleep in a car parked disturbingly close to where she lives? No? Little wonder that Uma Thurman got Jack Jordan arrested, then. TMZ reports:
A crazed Uma Thurman stalker who threatened to kill himself if Uma dated another man, and who tried to invade her trailer on a film set, has been nabbed by the NYPD. In the criminal complaint obtained by TMZ, Jack Jordan is accused of some seriously bizarre behavior over the past two years, including giving her a cartoon drawing of himself "walking along the edge of a razor blade" — while Uma digs a grave for him. The complaint also says that in one letter (of many) Jordan wrote, he threatened, "I feel afraid that if I see you out again with another man, I will want to kill myself, maybe even after we meet."
Makes a change from Uma Thurman fans wanting to kill themselves 25 minutes into Paycheck, we suppose. But anyway, it seems as if Jack Jordan's Uma Thurman-stalking ways are over, because he's been charged in connection with the stalking and is currently being held on $10,000 bail. It just goes to show that just about the stupidest thing you can possibly do to get a celebrity to fall in love with you is to draw her a picture of you walking across a razorblade while she digs your grave. Everyone knows that it's much better to draw a cartoon of you naked and crying while they hold a knife to your throat, which is why we're expecting a phonecall from the French Marks & Spencer advert girl just as soon as the postal strike is over.
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Smoodge the Naked says
Why does she not simply SLICE HIM UP FOR SANDWICH MEAT??
MySpace Addons says
Crazy stalkers… utch… atleast there are laws in place to avoid such “problems”